Shave Your Brain

Live Journal

2008-04-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

This blog hasn't really attracted readers, other than robot dancer, so I'm trying again elsewhere:

http://shaveyourbrain.livejournal.com/

Idiocracy now

2008-04-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

According to today's paper 41% of Jingo County's adult population is 'functionally illiterate.' And this is an average town in a 'first world' country.

If you're not scared of our future then your not paying close enough attention.

Wisdom of the ages

2008-04-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

“..it takes stamina to be a drunk.”
-Charles Bokowski

I'm never going to change that much, I do believe this. Why should I become any more 'responsible' than I need to be? The American Dream is a death trap. Once you buy into it you can't run around having fun anymore, you'll just be chained to various payments until your withered and old. Get what enjoyment out of life that is possible. The 'society' that your wearing yourself out for doesn't give a rat's ass about you. You'll be sucked dry and cast aside. It's all a sham anyway. Our democracy is really an oligarchy. A handful of really rich fuckers control the major parties and will continue to work together to keep a third party from ever posing a threat ever. You are a pawn and will continue to be one.

So live as much as you can while you can, soon enough we'll all be dead.

My Eyes

2008-04-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

"The goggles...they do nothing."
-Rainer Wolfcastle
Simpsons Episode: Radioactive Man

Now I remember why I started writing...the outside world sucks. I can't even go outside in Spring without my eyeballs burning from pollen and air pollution. Yeesh.

Brain cells flicker on

2008-04-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

I got an A on one mid-term, a B+ on another, a B on the third. Apparently I am still a functional machine. I must not be as fried as I've believed. I wonder how there is such a gulf between my real life and the one in my head. I must be throughly delusional. I wonder how much of my supposed decline over the past four years has been imaginary.

Darkness Falls

2008-04-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

Night can be depressing in this town.

Not that there's anything to do while the sun is up either...

I have tried the reduced dose of Navane. I think I felt almost awake today. It was a strange feeling. Someday the old levels of energy and desire for life will come back, I'm convinced of it. These things go in circles. I will not be defeated forever. I just have some psychological weight attached to me, that I'm dragging behind me on my march through existence. I will figure out what that weight is, then I will be able to cut it loose.

Release the beast

2008-04-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

My dose of anti-psychotics is being reduced. This is fortunate, because it was turning me into a vegetable. Maybe I'll start having freak outs again, but I'll take partial treatment over a total treatment that leaves me feeling flat and depressed all the time. I really hope that I stop feeling so heavily sedated. If I don't then there may really be some disease involved. I have no history of narcolepsy, so I would imagine that my sleeping all the time is the result of some new health problem.

There are five weeks of school left, not including the finals. This is bad. My energy for school is totally spent. I need summer vacation badly. I want those three months where all I have to do is work some job in town, with no two hour daily commute and no worrying about grades.

I must add that I am working on another story which no one will bother to review on Fictionpress. I checked the site counter, people have accessed 'Jumper,' but no one has bothered to tell me what they thought of it. I guess people either hate the story or are too lazy to type a few sentences in my direction.

Narcolepsy or what?

2008-04-01T12:28:00.001-07:00

One of these days I'm going to fall into a sleep I never come out of. It gets harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. Harder to stay awake too. Its starting to worry me. I must have some disease thats leeching off my central nervous system.

Yes

2008-03-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

"If I knew what a hallucination was I would know what reality was."
-Phillip K. Dick-

I've been seeing the air whales again, the past two days. That's okay with me. Life was getting dull. I'm not sure if I will report this to the psychiatrist when I have my meeting next week. He'll probably just keep increasing the dose if I tell him about the visions. Any more of that stuff and I will into an android being. The drug has me in a stony state all the time. I don't mean the pleasant feelings one might associated with being stoned, I mean feeling as dumb as a rock. Sometimes I mean feeling even dumber than a rock.

My grades are still As and Bs though, so this must all be my perception. Maybe I've finally achieved the state 'normal' people call being calm. And to someone whose been manic so long being calm feels like a living death of sorts. I feel calmer than I have ever been ever. I'm like a plant on sedatives I'm so zoned out. Everything is nice. Everything is still. I do not experience that old feeling, the one that was aggressively hateful toward no one in particular. I do not seem to get angry anymore. I still regard human beings as disgusting creatures, but there is no emotion behind it.

I am alone now, but that's okay. I'm used to it. I will continue to be alone on this trip, it is virtually assured. I have literally lost the ability to communicate with others, outside of superficial conversations about trival topics. That should bother me, but it doesn't. There are a whole lot of human feelings which I simply don't respond to anymore. My parents don't seem to notice anything, other than my mom saying yesterday "You've stopped blinking, you just stare."

I am overly medicated. Trip has become the operative word of my life.

Zombie

2008-03-27T14:00:00.001-07:00

"Mental illness is not funny"
-Phillip K. Dick

My body hasn't adjusted to the anti-psychotic yet. I feel an overpowering urge to sleep much of the time, its hard to stay awake for 12 hours a day. I'm someone who used to have trouble sleeping a few hours at night, so that shows how much the Navane is effecting me.

I'd cut the shit loose, but I know what that would get me. I'd be paranoid again, thinking that aliens have cameras in my skull or that the Illuminati are poisoning my drinking water, or whatever. Being paranoid is worse than feeling overly sedated. I'm sick of the decade plus I've had of bad chemicals being released by my faulty brain. I'm sick of cures that feel not so much better than the disease itself.

School is getting to me again. I'm tired of worrying about my stupid grades. I'm tired of not having money and of being isolated and of sitting for long periods in silence. I wish the jobs I could get with a high school diploma were worth a damn. If they were then I'd never have bothered with college. I have a non-achieving personality, as I've discussed prior. I've never understood the intensity with which the people around me live their lives.

Another story

2008-03-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

I finished writing this yesterday:

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2493078/1/Jumper

Come on, read it, its not that long.

Phantom Order

2008-03-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

I hallucinated myself a couple of tacos. This was such a dense hallucination that I could actually smell them. Unfortunately they were fake. Now I want tacos dammit, but can't get any, the Taco Hell is closed at this hour.

I wanna be sedated

2008-03-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is a feeling I know about. It's the first rising vibes of a freak out. I haven't had one in awhile, so I'm totally over due. If one laughs at the notion of secret cameras being in one's house, or at the idea of being followed by invisible beings, then they have never been paranoid. Not that I'm saying people should experience paranoia. Real life mental illness is not being creative, it is not funny.

I'll have one of those yummy pills now.

Mmm...tranquilizer.

Soon the drug will be making me feel very stupid. It will not even be possible to throw myself around the room gibbering insane things. I will be good and zonked, on a trip over the rainbow and on to Neptune.

Adderall Tweaker

2008-03-20T12:24:00.001-07:00

Another week is vanishing in what has seemed an hour or two. Stimulants have made me weird, there is no doubt. What's weird is the combination of the stimulants with the anti-psychotics. I exist in a state I call 'the glide.' Everything around me is speeding by, but I myself am standing motionless. Thats the best way I can explain this state. I am high, yet wrapped in a soothing calm, all at once.

I am okay with this, because there is so much I want too 'fast foward' through. I am no lover of life. I want to 'fast foward' through this semester and the next one too. Once my core classes are done my life will get alot easier.

My mini-vacation is over. I didn't want to burn too much money. I want a nucleus of funds that I can use to save up for a real trip. By 'real trip' I mean at least a thousand miles from here. I haven't had one since I went to Seattle four years ago. I'm not going to summer school, I'm going to work a shit job instead. I need the money and I need three months away from school books.

My attempt at writing the zombie novel has fizzled. I do not have enough material to go the distance with this one. So I've been thrown off the horse again and am brain storming another project. At some point I have to succeed. By succeed I mean...finish a book. I have no delusions about getting rich off a book. I don't even have delusions about being published. I may have to vanity press the project. But that's okay, even if I self publish I can still know that I wrote a novel.

Southern California

2008-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

Is even more vapid than I remember, if that's possible. The weather is perfect though, so I don't care. I went walking on the beach my friend yesterday, we found a bunch of animals in the tide pools like crabs and fish and stuff.

We're going to Hollywood today, to Universal Studios, maybe I see some celebrities or something. If anything they'll have better stores than Jingo Town. The record shops back home only carry mainstream crap that I don't really have much interest in. Hopefully I can find some Sun Ra albums, or something equally great and obscure. Bizarre esoteric music is the fuel for my writing. Well that and Amphetamine pills.

Feel the burn

2008-03-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

I put in a 7 mile run today, which makes it the second or third longest run I've had this year. My leg seems to have finally healed, I can once more get the cardio high I so crave. It is a better high than alcohol, because it strengthens organs rather than weakening them. I am looking into running another race. I haven't run competively since the 2005 City of Los Angeles Marathon, which I finished in 4 hours and 23 minutes. I found a local race in November, the Two Cities Marathon, which I will run if I can't save money to go some place farther off. I want to compete again, to have a crowd of people watching me, all that good stuff.

Major tranquilizers have made me relaxed and passive even. I wonder if I'm becoming too sane to keep writing. I can only hope that I get so lucky. Insanity is only amusing to someone watching it from a safe perspective. If someone says they enjoy insanity rather than suffering from it...they aren't nuts. What they are actually talking about is being creative, which resembles insanity, but is a controlled version of it.

I'm not sure if writing is a healthy thing to be doing. This is a debate I'm always having with myself. Telling stories is well and good, that's not the problem. The problem with writing is that one becomes in love with their own ideas, which can lead to a dangerous amount of ego. More important than that is the fact that the odds are about a 1000 to 1, maybe more, against getting a novel published. One can bust their ass their entire life and have absolutely nothing to show for this. I would venture that this happens with more writers than not.

I should probably have some commentary on current events. Is this a blog or somebody's computer diary? Yeesh. The news has me pretty bored honestly. The Eliot Spitzer thing doesn't strike any interest in my inner political hack. So a tough talking moralizer got caught doing something they've been preaching against? Oh wow, that shits never happened before. Politicians will say anything to be elected. If a conspiracy of Satanists were to somehow get control of America they'd all abandon the Bible references and be throwing up the horned hand. The Democratic race is similarly disinteresting to me. I'm sick of Hillary Clinton's attempt to smear Obama. I'm sick of Hillary Clinton in general. It feels too much like electing her would be re-electing Bill Clinton. We already had eight years of Bubba in the 1990s. Between Bubba and the two Bushes there's been a solid 20 years of Southerners in the White House. Let's elect Obama and NOT have a redneck President for a change. World events aren't interesting right now either. The top story seems to be that China is oppressing Tibet. Yeah, we haven't seen that before.

Human beings I think do make progress. It just happens at an exasperatingly slow pace. It wasn't until about forty years ago that people of different skin colors could live in the same neighborhood. That's really really bad when you consider that civilization has been around since 5,000 BC or so.

Vacation time

2008-03-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going home for a couple of days. It's neccessary dammit. I have lived in this desert for eight or nine years, whatever it's been, but I always be from Southern California, always. I need to remember to bring a bathing suit for once, I always forget. I haven't swum in the ocean in probably three or four years.

Visiting old friends is the cheapest get away available, but it's the only one I can afford right now. When your as broke as I am going 200 miles to the place you used to live is traveling. And I need to get away badly. Jingo Town boredom is choking me so hard that I barely breathe. I need to shake off the dust of this one horse, whistle slut, two story town.

I've decided that I'm going to crawl back to Five Eagle Guard Patrol and ask for my old position back. It was inevitable that I do so, my liscense to work security guard is the only job qualification I have. I'm not up for working in fast food again, no way in Hell. I've worked for McDonalds, Wendys and Karls Junior at one point or another. Its degrading, soul crushing work, because everyone sees you wearing that dorky uniform and makes fun of you, as if working the grill wasn't in itself humilating enough. I will not do that, even if there are alot of hours involved.
I want another job because I want to do some real traveling for a change. I want to go to some remote island or England or something similarly remote.

Id

2008-03-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

The novel had to be abandoned. This was for the same reason I never revised the novel I actually finished, two years ago. I didn't outline enough beforehand. And because of that I wrote myself into a corner where the only solution would be "Kill everyone." I hate it when I happens.
I shouldn't have attempted to write science fiction as well. There's too much about science that I'm ignorant of. I also tried to make the plot too complex and wound up unable to deal with my "whose betraying who" flow chart.

This time around I'm not going to be fancy at all. I'm going for straight exposition, like Kurt Vonnegut or Hemingway. I'm going to make the plot simple, so I can write from my id the whole way. I want rawness, insanity and grit. I will not attempt to be literary at all. I will write on my ultimate id topic as well, that's right, I'll be doing a story about zombies and the apocalypse. These are topics which are quite dear to my heart. I'll pick up pretty much anything whose plot is "the world gets all fucked up and the dead come to life to feast on the living."

I must get in touch with the reasons why I write. By this I mean the real reasons I write. This is not pure love of story telling, or even the baser motivations of wanting to be famous. No. I write because I am a sick man, a spiteful man, one who got that way because the world declared them 'crazy' and tormented them at the most vulnerable years of development.

It always feels good to admit to myself that I am not a good person. I have never been a good person. If I had been then people would treated me better. I spent the greater part of my life being passive and submitting to the whims of others, because I thought if I fit in they'd like me. Then I tried being nicey nice to everyone, which also didn't work. Now a days I have no compunction to kiss anyone's ass or try to 'fit in.' I do just enough to pass my classes, then the world runs on my time. I have no desire to 'achieve' anymore either. Stacking up material goods will not bring fufillment, neither will having the biggest job title, or having a trophy wife. Those things don't bring fufillment because in order to get them one has to work crazy long hours and go mad from stress. The 'achievers' have huge houses they rarely even sleep in, with their crazy 'achieving' lifestyle. They counter by saying that they'll retire early from achievement, but that's only if they don't drop stone dead from a heart attack in the meantime.

I now know that fufillment comes only from being true to one's self, and from minimalizing the amount of things that one "should" do or "has to do." Society is a sick competition for more and more consumer goods. Materialism is a form of drug addiction, in which bigger and bigger 'doses' of shiny objects are needed to achieve the same buzz. Materialism is an addiction in that the addict cannot see what is going on either, believing the next item will complete some mythical of list of items they need to own, and make the materialist "complete." Materialism has corrupted us on all levels of existence. We train children from the time they can walk to be the next generation of consumers, discouraging them in showing imagination and creativity. They get brain washed into thinking they need perfect grades to get into perfect college, that they need the best car, that they need to have the best looking boy friend or girl friend rather than one they find interesting, etc etc etc ad nauseaum. The American Empire has alot of material wealth, but many of us lost our soul in acquiring it.

This is why I have declared myself "weirdo for life."

Because I want as little to do with the disgusting mess as possible.

Praise Be

2008-03-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

I finally finally finished that impossibly complicated map for Chairman Mao's class.

I am so happy...

Robo Tripping is Bad

2008-03-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to write about now, so I'm going to talk about one of the stupid things I've done on Earth. There's little stupid in my present, since I've mostly quit drinking, but there was a whole lot of stupid in the past.

I'm thinking now about an incident last summer when I drank way too much cough syrup and nearly died. It wasn't a suicide attempt, I wanted a way to escape reality that wasn't alcohol, while being too much of a wuss to look for illegal drugs. So I did some research on over the counter substances that can abused, and there it was Dextro-methomorphan (the active component in cough medication, which functions as a Psychedelic when taken at doses of 10 times greater than recommended dose). The first 7 or 8 times I slugged The Tussin were great, with loads of colors dripping out of walls, pretty visions and a sense of everything being fucking awesome. But that 8th or 9th time was a trip to Hell. It started out 'normal' enough, by the start of trips, but around the 6th hour everything went wrong. My guts started BURNING. I've mentioned my great love of alcohol here more than a couple of times. I've had a number of nights where I had too much to drink and wound up making offerings to the sewer gods. But this was different, I could actually sense my kidneys, and both of them felt like they had knives stuck into them.

I was like "Oh shit, I just destroyed my liver, I'm in for a long and painful death." I spent many long hours clutching my guts, feeling pure agony in there. I've never been shot, but I imagine it feels something like that. I cannot explain the inferno in my intestines, nor how disturbed I was by the rivers of sweat that were coming out of my head. By this point I realized I had definately done too much. I contemplated calling 9-11, but I had too much self centered pride. So I resolved to drink water like a race horse and sweat out the chemicals. I eventually did this, but not before a hallucinatory sequence that I can only attempt to explain.

I had what I sometimes think was a near death experience. I say this because I saw various gods and other supernatural entities. I saw the Hindu god Ganesha, along with eight elephant beings with ray guns, as well as a giant bearded man who claimed to be the Western Christian God. There were swarms of demons, there was a giant dollar sign on the ceiling of my room which was circling round' and round', and blue skinned demons were jumping off of it. I would close my eyes sometimes to try to get away from these visions, and there were even worse images behind my eyes. I was seeing demonic mutated versions of children's cartoon characters chasing me through a bizarre world of smoke and mirrors. There were 'rock men', which were these crazy monsters made of rock formations that had glowing eyes and stone for bodies.

I would get freaked out by the inner world and return to the equally horrible outer world. I had no idea that your mind could create stuff that this dense. These visions were not like day dreaming, they were as real as any object that was in the room with me. The walls were dripping with blood and crawling with insects. There was no way out of this line of fire. I freaked out of my mind for eight hours in all, until the sweating and gut burn finally stopped. The hallucinations finally went away too, but I was shoken up for many days afterward.

Needless to say, I no longer eat lots of over the counter medication in order to 'see what happens.'

This experience changed me in a deeper way. I no longer have any fear of death. I was in a near head on collision awhile ago and after swerving out of the way just thought 'Oh well that would have been my time to go.' Strangely enough I didn't have any fear of death when I was ODing, I didn't think I was going to Hell, or that there was going to be endless nothing. I just thought 'I'm going to die,' and was strangely okay with that. All the fear was pertaining to the mind twisting visions I was having.

Half Decade

2008-03-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

It took seeing a political flyer today to remind me of something, the Iraq War has now been going on for five years. Unbelieveable! That's longer than the U.S. involvement in World War Two, or the Civil War, though still shorter than the Revolutionary War or Vietnam.

I fault no one for being sick of politics, but I get pissed off when people say it doesn't matter who wins elections. I can't see an Al Gore administration having gone on that bit of adventurism. More than that I will say this: if John McCain becomes President this war will go on as long as Vietnam, maybe even longer. We don't need that. Islam and Democracy are not compatible things. These are people who believe that chopping someone's hand off is a just punishment for shoplifting, or that women who get raped deserve it for being sinful beings. Democracy requires a large amount of social tolerance to exist, because it involves disagreement over issues. And these are people who never stop killing eachother over religious events that happened more than a thousand years ago.

We are never going to Americanize people who call us "the Great Satan." Bring the troops home ASAP.

Philosophy

2008-03-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

The comic books said that with great power comes great responsibility. If this is true then what is the situation with someone like myself...someone who has no power?

I've been trying to make sense of that voice which tells me I 'need' to make more of life. There is some part of my mind that cannot accept that that I am an academic. I am not an alpha male, I'm Gamma or even Delta at highest. I sometimes think I've brainwashed by dumb action movies, or maybe that childhood of mine, into thinking that I can't be content with an average to average minus life. I could be just fine with everything, if only I could eliminate that stupid voice. It speaks nothing but lies which detract from the now. It must be stopped.

Election Anghst

2008-03-05T11:05:00.000-08:00

The Primary election isn't going away is it? I was hoping Obama could knock out Clinton yesterday, so that the media could finally shut up about the Democratic race. I don't care for Hillary Clinton anyway, her campaign feels too much like an attempt to re-elect Bill Clinton.

I'm glad that Huckabee quit. The Republican Party has been the domain of crazy Fundamentalists for too long. Church and state were seperated for a reason, which is that our founding fathers didn't want this country to have a repeat of such venerable things as the Inquisition and the many European religious wars. As far as the Republicans go John McCain is certainly the lesser of a number of evils. He acknowledges the existence of climate change and voted against unneccessary tax cuts for rich fucks who don't need them. My opinion of McCain in short: anyone denounced by both Rush Limbuagh and Ann Coulter has to be doing something right.

Overall my view is this: no one can suck as bad as Bush. Bush invaded a country without doing any research as to the people we would be occupying, he's did nothing about climate change, he did nothing to stop U.S. jobs going to China/India, he squandered a budget surplus that was needed to fix social security, he eviscerated the Constitution especially the parts pertaining to privacy rights and due process of legal prosecution, he ruined American foriegn relations with just about everyone etc. I could probably write a whole blog dedicated to how much I hate George W. Bush, so I'll just stop thinking about him now.

My attempt to run yesterday seems to have been for the worst. My right knee has flared up in pain. For someone who was as athletic I used to be this is quite depressing. That and I've clearly lost muscle tone from having been ill throughout December and January. This is my first day of wearing a t-shirt in three months or so, which has forced me to confront my emanciation. My arms look about as thick as celery sticks right now. I have to get back to doing strength training 3 days a week, 2 is obviously not cutting it.

Mid-term exams have me hating school again. I have no idea how I'll pass this year. I know I say that every year, but I mean it every year. Teachers always think that their class is the only one you have to take. Or at least they design their reviews based upon that.

My literary genius

2008-03-04T13:16:00.001-08:00

This is the last short story I've written:

http://www.fictionpress.com/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=2484136

I figured I should show you people something I'd written, seeing about a third of these blog entries are me whining about writing.

My novel is now about 70,000 words. I'm going to be done within a week, two weeks tops. Well the 'draft' is going to be done anyways, it'll need spell-checking and plot checking before I post it online. I'm in a stupendous mood today. It's probably the result of breaking through my writer's block of three days.

I feel good enough to go out for a run. I intend to do so once lunch settles in my disgusting guts.

I saw the shrink today. The Navane dose was increased, though its still only 10 MG a day. This is because I reported that I'm still hearing voices. That's okay though, the volume of the voices is much lower. That and I've become lucid again, as I started earlier. Sanity is a precious gift, one that I do not take for granted after so many years of having cameras inside my brain.

I feel pretty good about everything. Its a rarity, I don't want to spoil it.

Creative Anghst/Climate Doom

2008-03-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if the time I've spent on the novel is a waste. Those people aren't real...I think. It makes me feel guilty to spend so much time on imaginary stuff. But that's how it gos, one must live the cliched phrase of suffering for their art. I have not created a great book, which I must do before I can leave writing with a clean conscience. It is the only talent I was given, I must use it. I can let myself get stupid to my hearts content after I'm done.

Today is another unnaturally bright day, all thanks climate change. I live out in a desert, so I like the part of the year where I'm not sweating like a hog. If it's t-shirt weather when it should be winter then it means we're going to have one of those summers where it goes over 110 for the whole damn length of July and maybe half of August.

We used to have four months of foggy days from November to February. And I mean real fog, the type that leads to big highway pile ups. I doubt if there's been two weeks of fog this year. That fog used to erase the sun from existence in December and January, now it's totally MIA. I'm not complaining about the loss of the fog, because unlike Bay Area fog it was ugly and decidedly lacking in 'charm.' But it is a sign that the world is really changing.

At least we're getting rain this year. The past two years we've had like three and four inches respectively. The two main resorvoirs hit totals of 11% and 22% capacity not long ago. We're lucky that God or the universe or whatever dumped so much snow on the mountains this January, or we'd be dying pretty soon.

I will take further optimism in the fact that a bad enough drought may rid us of Los Angeles. That blight spews its chemical wastes into this Valley year round'. For some who has asmatha like I do this is bad. I must take the stance of liking air. Air is good. Not having decent air makes me downright irritable.

I almost had a freak out this morning

2008-02-28T13:02:00.001-08:00

But I was able to suppress it. Navane has given me greater control of head. When charred out circuits start burning I can put them out.

I've decided that I cannot drink anymore alcohol. My brain has been damaged enough. The gray matter in my bleeding skull needs to heal. The fires need to stop burning. I just don't know how long it'll take to recover from the damage and to get rid of the 'spacey' feeling that pervades me. That all sounds dramatic, because I'm young, but I'm confident that I damaged myself in 'only' a few years. I would drink every day and sometimes from when I'd wake up to when I'd pass out at night. I don't think I exaggerate when I call myself 'burned out,' because I am not the same person I was before I turned 21.

I need to start meditating again. I took a week off because I'd read about negative psychological effects that it can have on certain people. But I need the 'disassociation' to a certain degree. The forces within me are disturbing ones, I need to isolate myself from them.

I think I'd give up entirely if I wasn't writing. It gets the poison out of my mind, if only for a day or so afterward. Also completing stories gives me a goal to say alive for. If I can create art that people enjoy or are inspired by then my life was not a wasted one.

Lies told to me by Alcohol

2008-02-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

"This time will be different"

"Come on, you've worked hard today"

"Live a little"

"Your more creative after a few beers"

"You need me to enjoy life"

"Your going to die anyways...might as well."

And so forth.

Some fools burned out by smoking crack, some fools burned out by shooting heroin and the specific class of fools I belong too burned out by drinking Whiskey. Don't let the legal status fool you...Poison is poison.

I can't remember how I used to feel exactly. But I know for sure that there was a time when thinking didn't require the effort it does now. It shouldn't take willpower to focus my eyes upon objects. I literally have to force myself to look at things. Otherwise I just stare through everything, lost in some mental limbo. This is not the same as day dreaming, day dreaming is imaginative. This is spacing out while going "Durrrrrrrrrr." I don't drool at myself, but I sometimes feel on the verge of it.

I can observe myself behaving in this vacant way, but I am unable to snap out of it. I can marshall any number of arguements as to why drinking is pointless, a waste of money, damaging to my health etc., but it doesn't weaken the cravings. The cravings sit on me all day like some kind of demon yelling at me.

At least I've cut back to where I'm not physically addicted anymore. I used to get 'the shakes' when I couldn't drink that day. I was really gone in it. The 'just beer' policy got me out of the chemical dependance level of it.

Still though, I'd like to be whole again. I'm sick of being spaced out 90% of the time.

The Price of Sanity

2008-02-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

"Typical antipsychotics (sometimes referred to as first generation antipsychotics, conventional antipsychotics, classical neuroleptics, or major tranquilizers) are a class of antipsychotic drugs first developed in the 1950s and used to treat psychosis (in particular, schizophrenia)"
-Wikipedia Article-

I've become curious about the new drug I'm on. The pamphlet I have about Navane, that the Pharmacist gave me, said it works by changing chemicals in the brain. Yeah, that satisfies my curiosity. I don't really like putting something in my blood without knowing what it is. I've looked up information on anti-psychotics on the web, and having nothing much more substantial than in the phamplet.

Its doing something to me though. The feeling of being followed and being watched all the time has abruptly vanished. I've had this 'I'm in a conspiracy' feeling so long that it's trippy not to be feeling it. It's like for the first time in years I am alone at night. There's no one outside the house, or in walls, or in my skull. That really tells one how nuts I've been. The fear centers in my brain have been working overtime so long that lack of terror is strange to me.

I'm still having visual non-sense go on, but the loosing the paranoia is more than half of the struggle. Confused thought processes are what makes the visual and auditory distortions so much worse, because it dis-ables my ability to rationalize whats going on. With my rational functions intact I can look something like a Stop Sign turning into a giant squid and just say 'that's some bullshit.' And there's nothing more to it than that. As opposed to experiencing the same visual while paranoid, in which I'd wonder if say aliens are beaming distorted information into my brain.

There haven't been any side effects to this pill. As opposed to Geodon, in which I would get heavily sleepy but at same time have my heart rate go up so that I couldn't sleep at all. Or Abilify, which caused me to break out in a rash. Or Trazadone, which caused me to hallucinate giant blue spiders as big as dinner plates.

I just wish I understood what it's mechanisms were. As I've said the vague description of 'changes chemicals in your brain' is kind of sketchy to me.

I am (part of) the Anti-Christ

2008-02-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

That jerk-off teacher I have for my Oriental History class really hates us. He said after doing our map assignments that my generation will soon be responsible for America failing on some vaguely defined intellectual 'battlefield.' He also said that he doesn't care if we're graduating this semester or not, he'll fail us if we keep sucking so much ass. I hate that bastard not only for today's speech, but because he gives us a new sheet of information to copy down every five minutes and then gets suprised that we're not absorbing the information. At the rate that he throws facts at us you can't even write them all down, let alone think about anything in depth.

Strange that America's downfall is all on my generation, because in the other two classes a huge amount of time was wasted rambling about the recent victory of the faculty basketball team over some fraternity. The professor I have next is the team captain I believe, so I've got to hear about the great three buzzer shot all over again.

To those in high school: go community college and learn a technical skill that an employer might actually be interested in. Don't waste a second of your time in a university unless you want to go to law school, or business school, or have some other very specific post-graduate school that your interested in. Otherwise it's just a wash. Most of the professors are either elistists or don't care, many of the students don't care either and are just trying to hide from reality as much as possible.

Huzzah!

2008-02-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

I have fought through yesterday's crisis of confidence. I am back. I super fried my brain cells today, writing nearly 4,000 words. I am halfway through the chapters in my plot synopsis, though the 100,000 word goal remains slightly farther, I have a total of 47 K written so far. Huh. 47,000 words, if I was doing that National Novel Writing Month I'd be almost there. Not I would do that, 50,000 words was a novel in F. Scott Fitzgeralds time, but it isn't today. Other than Gatsby I'm not sure I know of a novel that short, except for maybe A Clockwork Orange.

I hate the days when I can't write. They really drive me apeshit.

I quit writing the novel

2008-02-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've been having too many flash backs of writing groups I've been in. Why should I bust my ass to make a story when people are just going to tell me how I used the pro nouns wrong, or have too much description, or too little description, or any other bit of nit picking? I can't think of an activity that has less reward versus the time invested.

Journaling I think has value, because if you record your life you can keep from making some of the same mistakes repeatedlt, but I don't know about writing fiction. It's deeply depressing to say any of the above, because 'stories' were something I put so much of my self worth into for so many years. But I can't deny that's how it seems these days. I've fallen into some kind of psychological entrapment. I hate the struggle of trying create stuff, but having done it for more than 10 years I don't feel like I can just walk away. It's my stupid ego thats kept me going, that's what it is.

I want to just walk away. But I'm stuck in this stupid notion that I have to keep marching forward, regardless of what I want, because somebody somewhere told me I have 'talent.' I have to loose that, I absolutely do.

Barf Worthy

2008-02-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

My immune system must be on strike, judging by the past two years.

Lately I've been feeling too stupidly existential. I hate it when my brain asks over and over what the 'point' of things is. It has no value, it just detracts from the now and makes one feel vaguely 'deep' in exchange for all the time it wastes. I wish my knee wasn't screwed up so I could work out more. Clearing my brain of all the scum which inhabits it is important. Being sedentary is bad because it gives me more time to listen to the thoughts. I make a point of going out every day, even if it's just to walk in the park, because otherwise the thoughts will get too strong.

I really don't want to be in this town anymore. Right now I'm watching the video for 'To Live and Die in L.A.' and wishing I was back in Southern California. I wish I could be body surfing in the ocean right now. I'd have gone back, if I could afford rent in the L.A.-Ventura County Area, which I sure as Hell can't.

When I say there isn't anything to do here I really mean it. After I graduate I have to leave and go to a city. I can't deal with this dirt box anymore.

Navane

2008-02-18T16:59:00.001-08:00

Well this new medicene doesn't seem to be killing me. That is a plus. I have however been very dizzy the past couple of days and I'm not sure if the Navane or something else.

I went to withdrawls yesterday, after skipping my usual dose of Adderall the day before. I got cold as Hell, shivering like a junkie and feeling electric pulses 'stabbing' me all over. Don't ever think something isn't a drug because 'a doctor gave it to me.' That's something people need to know, as there seems a division of chemicals between 'medication' (which is good) and 'drugs' (which is something done by 'losers' and 'dopers.) Chemicals are just chemicals, there's no division. I know because I am most definately addicted to perscription drugs. The shakes went away after taking the drug, but not after a major panic attack that left me disoriented for the rest of the day.

Writing Addiction

2008-02-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

I knew I wasn't going to be able to give up on the novel. I tried to 'kick,' I really did. But my characters started haunting me, so I had to go back to work.

The total progress is 40,673 words at present. There are 95 pages total, before double spacing of paragraphs. My goal is around 100,000 words, so I probably have six to eight weeks left, if I can sustain my current pace of 1,500-2,000 words per day. This prediction does not include the time it will take to eliminate typos and grammatical problems. It also does not include the time I will need to fix plot contradictions that may be discovered while reading the draft. I will not consider it a novel until I've gone over it a few times. I expect the re-visions to take a couple more months.

I will not be submitting the novel for publication. It will go onto some internet site. There's no reason for me to submit the novel, because it does not fall into a 'genre.' Publishers for the most part only look at 'genre' fiction. This story by constrast is too literary to be science fiction, but probably has too much science fiction to be literary, if that makes sense to anyone else.

I sometimes feel guilty for spending so much time on making up stories. But then I stop ask myself what I would be doing otherwise. The answers are things which are at least as silly and pointless as playing make believe.

Cerebral Stubble

2008-02-13T18:46:00.000-08:00

A voice today told me:

"Shave your brain."

It sounds like good advice, but I have no idea how to go about it. I'm pretty sure that I could get my skull open, I doubt that I'd still be conscious afterward, let alone be able to do any work.

I've been given a new medication called Naval, which I will try tomarrow. Life is getting too confusing. I'm not sure what this will do to me. It says in the product description that it will change the chemicals in my brain, but gives no details on what exactly that means. I think I may have been mis-perscribed too, because it says this drug is for 'symptoms of schizophrenia.' I am not Schizophrenic, just the victim of malicious spritual entities. The Phantoms are too well organized and just too consistent in the games they play, to be hallucinatory. A hallucination is a non-sequitor event, such as when a table becomes a nest of snakes, or when Air Whales and Air Squid are flying overhead.

I have not told anyone about the phantoms, except for on this 'blog.' Mainly because I know that it will result in my being confined to a mental institution. Not that such a thing is entirely bad, I've heard that you get lots of tranquilizers in there, but I'm not good with confined spaces. Claustrophobia is the biggest reason for me staying law abiding.

My progress on the novel has been disrupted by the voices. I will have to go back to drawing. It's no big loss, the things in my head don't translate well into words anyway.

Whats on taps for the old burn out tonight? I will engage in various psychotic mumblings, before I pacify myself with Meditation and Beer.

Wound

2008-02-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

I spent awhile thinking there was an open wound on my leg, but apparently there isn't. This feeling didn't go away, not even until after I'd 'confirmed' that was wrong. I pulled up my pant leg a few times, expecting blood repeatedly. It was so stupid. I hate textual hallucinations the most of all kinds. If I a table warps into a three headed dog I can tell myself that that's some bullshit. Voices are more confusing, but I usually I can deal with that too, if I look around enough times and see nothings there. Unless the voices are 'coming from the inside,' like when I think there are alien monitoring devices in my teeth. That can be troubling as well.

But feeling things that aren't there is definately the worst.

My brain is being bad. It must be punished.

There are things which disgust even me

2008-02-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
-Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions-

In my Colonial Americas class I have been exposed a number of descriptions of what the Small Pox actually did the Indians. I knew that disease killed more Natives than not, but to read the details is whole nother' monster. I can not even repeat some of the exact quotations, I'm not up to it, even the biographies of Holocaust Death Camp survivors that I've read do not stack up to this. I will only give some statistics from recent lectures we had, to give my reader an inkling:

1492: Population of North and South America is 50 Million
1502: Population of the Americas is 25 million
1550: Population finally stablizes at 5 million

And the single worst example:

1493: Native population of Hispaniola is 300,000
1510: Native population is reduced to 33,000
1548: Native population is 500.

This is infinitely horrible when one realizes that the disasterous contact resulted from desire for gold. Gold...one of the weakest and softest metals of all, useful only for the creation of shiny things, eradicated whole civilizations of human beings who were as real I as am now.

History is becoming too much for me. Its gotten to where I'll think that I've lost all possible illusions about human beings, to then loose illusions I wasn't even aware that I possessed.

Institute of the Obvious

2008-02-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

One of the articles in AOL news today linked impulse shopping to people feeling depressed. After reading it I felt my brain go: "Durrrrrrr." I have no idea how some of this stuff sees print. I really do. Journalism has to be the one place where anyone's words can see print. I know this because I was published in our shitty small town's equally shitty newspaper more than twenty times, along with old people's complaining about 'those kids making too much noise' or crazy fundamentalists saying that America would be perfect if 'more Christians were in politics.'

It's only February, but I think I've hit my limit for election coverage. I'm glad that McCain won the Republican Nomination, because now the media has one less thing to hassle me with. I'm very glad that I no longer own a television set, because then I'd have to watch political ads. I had a 'friend' who told I was 'lucky' for not watching the ads on the TV. I explained that this because I'd stopped watching TV altogether, not luck, but he insisted that it was luck. I hate Americans who can't comprehend that yes you can turn the tube off if you don't like what your seeing. I have encountered people who really don't get that. It's frightening to think how submissive people are to the TV, or with the internet for that matter. It's a like second job they have to go work.

I'll almost kicked my internet addiction, as I have with TV. If You Tube didn't exist I probably would be done with the internet forever. I hate the net, because it is so good at taking time from me. I set down with the intention of checking my e-mail, then more than an hour is gone without me having any idea what happened.

End of Days

2008-02-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

There was s0me song that claimed the life goes on, after the thrill of living is gone. I'm too lazy to look it up. For me life has gone on long after all my hopes and dreams are dead. I have no idea how I fucked up as much as I did. I'm older than just about everyone in my classes, except for those advanced adults who going back to college because of a middle age crisis. My brother who is younger than me is getting his Bio-Chemistry degree and going to grad school. I never see him anymore because he's way far away, but it's something I think about.

I'm just now getting my degree, this year. I will be 25 when I finish Undergrad this December. And I need probably two or two and a half more years after that to finish the expansive 'competency requirements' and get the social science teaching credential, so that all my fancy book learnin' will get me the 'better job' that college is supposed to get one. An undergraduate diploma in itself is worthless.

I believe in the mission. It just seems so far away and unattainable. I hate that I quit earlier on. Getting 'life experience' wasn't worth this. Sure I now know that working a shit job really sucks, but I'd rather be done, or much closer to being done.

At least I've 'gotten help.' I've been flying on Psycho-Stimulants since last June. I love Amphetamines. I can fully comprehend 150 pages of Sahara desert dry text in about 3 hours. Adderall sometimes interferes with my ability to sleep, but that's okay, because I can just take more the next morning and feel awesome.

The Abomination Rises

2008-02-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

The Novel is up to around 21,500 words since I started it on the 25th. I am happy with myself for going out and actually doing it, rather than being one of those fucks who pesters everyone about 'their vision' while never actually writing anything. I had entirely too many 'friends' like that in the last writing class I had the misfortune of being in. I was the only one who finished the feeble requirement of writing two short stories, or did so before finals anyway. The definition of 'short story' in that class was pretty weak in itself, all one had to do was write 1000 words. And alot of those stories weren't stories. Rather they were outlines of novels, or first the ten pages of a novels that ended in a 'To Be Continued' because the author couldn't think of any ending. They did however have no shortage of criticisms for people who actually wrote things, well known writers included in that. Those pretentious twits made me hate writing so much that I quit for more than a year afterward.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time on a Schzoid imaginary world. This feeling is almost certainly correct. But it's not like there's better stuff to do in Jingo Town. I could be binge drinking, or parked in front of talk shows, or playing video games. Whoa Nelly, there are some fufilling pastimes. Writing is depraved and psychotic, but then so am I.

Traveling without moving

2008-02-04T16:08:00.001-08:00

I feel like I didn't get any sleep last night, even though I think I was unconscious for six hours or so. I often think I'm awake while dreaming. So maybe it's possible for me to be somehow awake while my body lies around unconscious.

Everything was felt very unreal today, even freeway driving. I had to keep orienting myself on the road, because it felt like I was flying in a space ship. I thought about crashing out, but I didn't want to fall asleep in public in another town.

I'm tired of all the faulty circuits in my brain. I view myself as a malfunctioning, broken down machine, more and more. I have trouble putting together thoughts, even simple ones. When I read the words don't register unless I go over them a couple of times. The fog has gotten pretty thick. I will continue to fight it, but inevitably I will sucumb. The connections in my gray matter are not what they were. That my imagination and my regular vision have become difficult to distinguish is proof of that.

Oh well, I'll just have to 'get positive again.' Seeing Air Whales is cool. And Paranoia can be fun, if I 'steer' it properly then I can have etertaining delusions of importance and false enlightenments.

Kitty Porn

2008-02-02T17:57:00.000-08:00

These two fat gross stray cats have been screwing in our yard alot. This just another thing which discourages me from wanting to go out. That and the fact that there's nothing to do but spend money anyway, so I might as well stay in and do creative stuff.

I've been contemplating the purchase of a treadmill. I know that I need to get cardio exercise, but the lack of scenary in this town makes it difficult to motivate myself. If I run on the treadmill I can at least etertain myself with the DVD player while I'm working out. Whereas outside it's like "theres the 7-11, there's another ugly block of identical houses, there's a bar, there's a strip mall, there's a drunk driver throwing a beer bottle at me etc."

I gave into temptation last night and drank beer. It was only a 40 ounce of Steel Reserve, but not drinking for the past two months (except during my short vacation) has turned me into a total lightweight. I actually did feel intoxicated, which is pretty weak seeing how it's only 6 drinks. Well I am pretty skinny these days, so that was probably half of it. When I was drinking regularly I weighed about 230. I weighed myself this morning, just out of curiosity and I'm 178 now.

I don't want to start drinking every night again. It makes you too fat and too slug brained. But staying off of it all together is really hard. I hate addiction. I'll just have to stay busy. People think the big catalyst of alcoholism is depression, and I'm sure that's the cause of drinking in a number of people. But I personally think that boredom is the biggest reason that people get drunk. If one looks at say a farm village in Russia, where one can't leave the house half of the year because it's ass cold, then it becomes easy to see why Vodka is a part of people's daily routine.

Spaced

2008-02-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

I finally got some sleep last night. It's about time, I had none the previous night, even though I'd gotten up at 6 AM. Insomnia is one of the few things that can make me angry. Especially since there's so little one can do that those godly morning hours. My mind has nothing to do but get spun and start hallucinating all over the place. I was hearing voices again, which is much more disturbing than visuals, because I can't tell so readily that it's fake. I hear voices which are as real as those of people that exist. If in fact the people I know really do exist and are not a further layer of hallucination that just seems realer. The hallucinations can get thick enough that I start attacking them, knocking stuff over and whatnot, in hopes of destroying them. This is bad.

I am thankful that is Friday. I'm ready to go home for the weekend.

My sinuses seem to have cleared up, which I am also thankful for. I can exercise again, which I need to do in order to rid myself of insomnia. I have to run 12-15 miles a week to sleep normally, which I haven't done in quite awhile.

The Horror...The Horror

2008-01-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

I finally looked at the 'expenses' in my bank statement. The amount of impulse buying I've done on Amazon.com makes me want to puke my guts up.

The internet doesn't just make you stupid (as Somethingawful rightfully says), it also makes you broke.

Our lame campus paper made some joke about 'emo kids.' I had a realization while looking at it. In all the years of hearing about 'emo kids' I have never actually met one, or even seen one. Do 'emo kids' actually exist? No really, I'm serious when I ask that. Maybe I just don't live in a place where people can afford to keep up with fashion.

I now have a desire to seek out the mystery of these 'emo kids' and get an explaination as to why people are always using them as a butt of jokes. I would pursue it too, if not for the fact that I'd have to get a MySpace page. I had a MySpace page once upon a time, but then I sobered up and gained a degree of sanity. I don't care if I'm the only person I know who doesn't have one. It's a matter of principle. MySpace is horrible. People there talk about themselves and their friends like they're rock stars or something. The only rationale I can think of for using MySpace is wanting to contact former classmates. But even that doesn't hold up. If you were that good friends with so and so then you'd still be in touch without MySpace.

Illin' (revised)

2008-01-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

Someone else finally noticed how sick I am. They asked why I'd been sneezing all day, too which I said that I've been sick for a couple of months. This is true. I have had a head cold since Late November. I think my immune system is decaying. Last year I was sick for 7 weeks, which was then the longest I'd ever been nastied out. This year though is somekind of new all time record, one I don't want to exceed.

Fortunately Jingo County Summer begins in March, so the germs are not long for this world. No that's our two weeks of Spring, nevermind. Summer begins in the first week of April. Praise be to this inhospitable desert.

People on campus are trying to get on the election. Someone asked me to sign a petition that would ban gay marriage in the state. I didn't get angry or anything, I said no very firmly and walked on. I'm not gay myself, but I do feel they should have should the right to make themselves insane just like straight people do. I also saw a booth where people are campaigning for Barrack Obama. The second made me a bit happier. I will vote for Obama in the primary, though I think Hillary Clinton is still way out ahead of him in the overall delgates contest. I'll vote for whoever wins the Democratic Nomination in the general election though. The modern Republican Party has taken over by 'moral majority' bible thumpers. I by contrast believe that church and state were seperated for good reason. Those who wrote the Constitution saw in Europe the many horrors that combining church and authority could bring about, such as the Inquisition, Witch Burnings, the Crusades, Papal wars etc.

I have been working on the novel. It goes well. I have 6,000 words written and it's been less than a week since I started. I knew that creating characters and a complete outline of plot and themes would be useful. I was for a great many years the master of the half finished uncomplete novel. I would get 40 or 50,000 words in, then freeze after writing the story into some untenable position. I now have internalized Kurt Vonnegut's rules of writing fiction, especially "start as close to the ending as possible." Many people fail to complete novels because they have the approach backyard, starting from the beginning and then 'seeing where it goes.' This is wrong. One must know where it's all going, then work towards that point.

I actually finished a novel length work of fiction writing stream of consciousness. However I would not actually call it a novel, even though it finished at 108,000 words, because it wound up making no friggin' sense at all. That is not writing, it is typing.

"You don't need to sleep"

2008-01-28T18:16:00.001-08:00

A class I added late after registeration had to dropped. Apparently there were more than 10 books required, 9 of which have to be special ordered on top of the usual insane prices of textbooks. Each book required an essay, and if that someone couldn't get the book in time for an essay then they would be screwed. This was on top of a 15 page term paper requiring lots and lots of independant research.

I have learned a lesson today. If a class is still open long after initial registeration, then there is almost certainly a reason for that. There were only 15 people last week, today there are 7 left. Wether or not the slave master still has the class at the end of the semester will anybody's guess.

"Believe not on the Buddha! Believe not on Darwin!"

2008-01-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

I should be in FS building, waiting for class to start. Unfortunately my path is being blocked by this crazy Evangelist guy whose screaming at everyone about how everyone is going to Hell except his righteous ass. I'm not afraid of what he'll do to me, I'm afraid of what I'll do to him, should he get up in my face like that. Anyone whose read my school record knows what kind of temper I've got. So I'm just going to stay out of way until I absolutely have to go to class. It's much better than going to jail for kicking that loudmouth in the gonads.

I'm almost tempted to ask him why Christ hasn't come back yet, when he said in the gospels that some of his followers would still be living upon the date of his return to Earth. Did Jesus come back without us knowing? Or was he just talking some shit? This promise makes even less sense when you see another verse that says no one but God the father knows when the Second Coming is.

No, I definately won't do that. Crazy fundamentalists, like any other form of troll, should never be encouraged.

The Great American Novel

2008-01-26T17:12:00.000-08:00

I am currently writing it, it will be the greatest work of literature seen in however much time has passed since the last great work of literature. Hahaha I'm full of shit, I'm doing no such thing. There is a work in progress, but 'crack headed' and 'bad science fiction' are much better adjectives for it than 'great.'

I will however make this defense of my work: it is not going to be a stream of consciousness book. The word does not need any more Keroauc wannabes who think typing random strings of 'cool sounding' words makes a book. And it certainly is not going to be one of those 'Post Modernist' books that eschews a plot for making lots of obscure allusions.

I could be stopped from writing if not for the great amount of pain in my right knee. It's limiting my ability to go out and do anything, so I have entirely too much time to dwell on my thoughts. Frankily I hate my thoughts. Writing them down makes them somewhat more endurable.

Zonkin'

2008-01-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

I spent much of the day in a pit of negativity. It seems to have eased up somewhat, now that I have gotten home.

Tonight is the dreaded Friday Night, I can resist the booze, but it is not easy. I wonder if it will ever get any easier.

The air cleared today because of all the rain, It's about time. I saw the best view of the mountains we've had all year. The smog blocks out the view so much that when I do see the mountains it's like being transported to some far away place. This town is a toxic waste dump indeed, seeing how the Sierras are more a mile high and less than half an hour's drive from here.

Clean (For Now)

2008-01-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

I had an all out fight with my desire to drink today. I won it, so today will be the 23rd day in a row of being clean. However I am not happy, not even in some abstract sense where I feel proud of my willpower holding up.

Shouldn't I have weakened the addiction by now? I don't feel like I'm making my way toward health and/or sanity. I feel much more like I'm facing a long seige, one in which a city is starved and shelled into a bitter surrender.

Dream Invasions

2008-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

I must be under alien control again. Or some other form of mental manipulation in which I do strenous things while asleep. That's the only explaination for why I woke up with my lower back full of searing pain, while I felt fine last night. I used to lift weights alot, never with a belt to support my spine, and this is the same feeling I'd get after deadlifting 315 pounds with lousy form.

I'm joking about being under alien control. I am in fact really under demonic influence. I'm pretty convinced that's what the 'phantom people' are. Only demons or someother race of purely malicious beings would get that kind of joy out of tweaking me for no reason. Aliens by contrast would need some scientific reason for meddling with human affairs and me specifically. My health problems would make my DNA undesirable to them.

The Phantom People confuse me often because they often take the form of people I've known in the past, usually from my distant childhood. Their shape shifting abilities are remarkable. I often cannot tell them from real peoply, at least physically. Fortunately they are not so good at imitating human speech, speaking like overly dramatic characters in a bad screen play. This always gives them away.

I don't talk about the Phantoms when I visit the Psychiatrist. I just tell him that I experience paranoia and feelings of fear for no good reason. I don't feel a need to be put in a padded cell somewhere. Even if that weren't a danger he'd think that I'm just making all this stuff up, that I'm suffering from a delusional state.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

At least it's day time. Evil entities have much less power during the day, even if it's a day where the sun is blocked out by clouds such as this one.

I feel unusually rested from my sleep last night, despite the pain. I got out of bed right after the alarm clock went off, which almost never happens.

Which way did they go?

2008-01-21T14:18:00.001-08:00

I am throughly enjoying my reading of Don Quixote, though I wish there wasn't so much dull as dogshit textbook reading competing with it for my precious mental energy. Cervante's book seems to be an early ancestor of the 'road trip' genre of fiction and movies that we see so much of today. By that I mean two less than bright guys roam around the countryside on a vaguely defined quest, getting in all sorts of amusing misadventures along the way. In my generations terms Don Quixote would be Butthead and Sancho Panza would be Beavis, as the latter is the dumber of the two and the 'side kick.' It's not as bad of a comparasion as literature majors would suggest. If some random dude came along and said they could give you an island in exchange for leaving your home (and all your possessions), to help them on a quest...would you believe it? More importantly would act on upon it? Sancho Panza is indeed a medieval Beavis to believe some shit like that.

The 'to read' stack seems to be growing in size, even as I read it. The History of China book alone seems twice as big as War and Peace, though the page count says it's actually smaller. I'm already having paranoid episodes thinking about it all. Once I have all my books I'll be able to add up all the pages, then divide by the number of days in the semester, to figure out exactly how much I need to do every day.

I resisted the urge to drink alcohol last night. But the stress doesn't make me feel so optimistic. Still I said that I would resist for at least 30 days after the last time I drank, (Which was New Years Eve) and I mean to uphold that vow. People may wonder why I didn't vow to quit forever. Well I know myself too well, I know that I don't do 'quitting forever.' I'm sticking to goals which I can actually obtain. I am an addict and I will re-offend. The only thing to do is vow that it won't happen this day.

This is the last semester where I'll have to take a full load. There's only 24 units left to do. I just have to hold myself together. When I'm older the day to day details of this year won't matter, but wether or not I finished will be important. It means the difference between getting a lazy and secure job in civil service and getting a back breaking blue collar job that could go to India at any time.

According the L.A. Times yesterday there will be water rationing pretty soon. Like as soon as the beginning of March. That does not bide well for the summer, which because of this drought I fear will really be a burner. Last summer was mercifully cool, I think that the hottest day was only about 108, but with how unnaturally bright this January has been I fear the worst.

The lack of rain has made the air even more polluted than it usually is. After I finish any kind of exercise I feel like I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes. We need to get on some kind of carbon free energy as soon as possible, even if it's nuclear. People fear what nuclear energy could potentially do, but we know what burning oil IS doing to people, namely raising everybody's risk of cancer quite a bit and making the weather do screwy stuff.

Wha?

2008-01-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

"When you have completed what you thought you had to do...and your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue...then you get along."
-The Racontuers
Steady As She Goes

That is the sound of one's brain melting. In the case of my brain it happens at lower temperatures than would be expected. It is too early in this semester to already be sick of reading books. Only 16 more weeks to go, hahahahah.

I'm sick of being broke, isolated from society and clean of alcohol. I'm really sick of not having that piece of paper which society says demonstrates the ability to think, or lack thereof. My feeling of sickness is not neccessarily to be measured in that chronological order. I can only motivate myself with the knowledge that soon my boredom and alienation will hit their end. After so many many years my duty to finish my 'education' will be finished. Being in the work force means money, which means I can finally move the hell away from this mess.

I cannot overstate how overrated college is. I don't know who made the college diploma the new high school diploma, but it never should have happened. We have nothing to gain from extending people's adolescense into their 20s. One should be able to go out and do something meaningful at 18, like in the olden days when the 'American Dream' still existed.

I have revived my hard exercise routine, in order to speed up the days and fill myself with depression killing endorphins. I put in a 6.1 miles run today, which makes it 16.2 miles for the week. This is paltry compared to the cardio binges of days past, but it's a start. Meditation alone has not gotten me properly 'zonked out.' I need to be 'zonked' to avoid burn out from all the brain work.

It is clear that I am not an academic. I would wager that a great many people I'm in school with feel the same way. There needs to be some alternative to this, I mean other than the Army, or working at McMeaties and sharing a small apartment with four other people. Human beings were meant for freedom and adventure, but there isn't anymore, unless you count going to some Banana Republic and shooting people to support U.S. interests in whatever resource.

My new favorite book is Don Quixote, which I finally started this Wensday after many years of knowing that I needed to read it. I too feel the need to throw down and tilt at Windmills which I hallucinate to be giant monsters. Don Quixote's mission was craziness sure, but absolutely neccessary craziness. The Hildago would not have been content simply to lay around in retirement, awaiting death. He understood that life was meant to be lived and pursued his dreams of knighthood, no matter how crazy or against the law they turned out to be.

I need whiskey.

"Your after me gold!"

2008-01-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

Pitts McFinnegan make another guest appearance last night. He was screwing up my heart rate, making it impossible to sleep even though I'd had a long long day. It hate him. McFinnegan is allied with my brain against me. Once again I did not actually see McFinnegan, I only heard his voice telling me to burn things. I think I've only seen him in the 'flesh' two or three times. He looks just like the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot, only fatter and holding a chainsaw. He speaks in a voice identical to that of the Lucky Charms Leprachaun. Which makes it more disorienting when he's yelling them "BURN THEM! BURN THEM ALL!"

McFinnegan never specifies who 'them' is. I have in curious moments asked about the identity of 'them,' but either he doesn't know or isn't telling me. I wouldn't do it anyway because I'm too claustrophobic for prison.

McFinnegan also talks about treasure sometimes. He has a large amount of gold and other jewels buried somewhere. The problem with McFinnegan's treasure is that he buried all of it while really really drunk. McFinnegan 'blacked out' from all the Irish whiskey and while unconscious was kidnapped by white slave traders and sold to an Arab Shah as slave labor. McFinnegan killed that particular Shah and after defeating the Shah's personal bodyguard squad in hand to hand combat managed to escape the palace. McFinnegan has not informed me of how he escaped that particular Arab country, as the police and military forces were in pursuit of him for quite awhile afterward. I think involved aliens. Or maybe the Bermuda Triangle.

McFinnegan is obsessed with his treasure. Whenever I ask about it he yells "YOUR AFTER ME GOLD!" and threatens me with bodily harm that he is incapable of inflicting, because you know he's just a voice in my head.

The Phantom People were out in force as well. They were running around in the crawlspace all night, howling like the demons they probably are. I know that I am in some twisted reality film they are working on. The Phantom People are a race of psychic vampires, they derive pleasure directly from the anguish of people like myself. Phantom People have in addition to their mental projection abilities the power to shapeshift. They can materialize as demons, space aliens, whatever mythological form they need to play on people's beliefs. That guy carrying a 'THE END IS NEAR!' sign, he's being fucked around with by the Phantom People, they have convinced the poor schizophrenic bastard that he's the choosen one, just because it amuses them to do so.

I have to get in touch with my psychiatrist. After the failure of the Abilify I have to try another anti-psychotic. Treating me would probably be easier if he knew what exactly was wrong with me either. My diagnosis was "You have symptoms representative of both BiPolar Disorder and Schizo-Affective Disorder."

Video of the now:

Education is dead

2008-01-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

"I totally hate goody goody people who don't go out and drink. I mean this is college. You gotta be retarded and shit. That's why I hate goody goody people who don't go out and do stuff."
-Girl in hall today

Well the first day is over, all 12 hours of it. This semester has an even worse forecast than the last one did. Every one of my teachers gave some big speech about how this class will require so much more work than all the other classes. I was hoping the lower division work would be easier, but there's just as much reading there as in the upper division.

If I had it to do again...I wouldn't. I should have gone some technical school. I have learned only in this late hour that the only thing academia gets you is a career in academia. And that's only after going to a couple of years of extra college AFTER you get a degree.

If your a high school student reading this I implore you not to go to a 4 year university unless your dead set on some professional school that requires a BA for admittance. Everything your guidance counselor told you about college is a filthy lie, it is not a happy place full of open minded people who want to be your friend. If you are the school misfit you probably think you'll finally be accepted in college, because everyone will surely be into discussing books, philosophy and other high intellectual matters. You are dead wrong. The same fuckheads who rule high schools also rule college. Dorm life's central tenet is something along the lines of: "OMG PARTY!!! WOOOOOO!!! HEY FREDS PASSED OUT LETS PISS IN HIS MOUTH! PISS! PISS! PISS!"

Yes I feel dumber after completing that last sentence, but it's horribly true.

I am 'staying the course' only because the degree will help me in my application to Civil Service. The Government is one of the few employers that still considers a diploma worth anything. I will worm my way deep into the bureaucracy and then use my office to inflict misery upon people like the aforementioned 'I hate goody good people' chick.

Got up at 5 AM

2008-01-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Being at school prior to sunrise is surreal in a bad way. There was no choice though, the battle of early semester parking required it.

I have no idea how 'morning' people do this every day. My eyes feel like their going to catch fire or fall out or something.

Ring Around the Rosy

2008-01-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

"the citizens, abandoned all rule of life, all habit of industry, all counsel of prudence; nay, one and all, as if expecting each day to be their last..."
Boccaccio's The Decameron

I saw a Yahoo! news article that said the Black Death is on the verge of a major comeback. I wasn't sure what to make of that, so I went searching for a more reptuable source. Yes I do consider any non-American news source to be automatically 'better.' That's officially some kind of fallicious reasoning, at least according to that 'logic and composition' class I took community college. But academics can be out of touch with what is really going on, namely that U.S. Media is far more concerned with celebrity baby photos than say the war in Iraq.

If your too lazy to read the article I'll sum it up as such: the Medieval period in which that plague struck which unusually warm and damp. Today's world is heating up, unless you think global warming as a liberal myth, as I did during my two day long 'brief attack of optimism' awhile ago. In a hotter world many diseases that would normally be confined to the tropics are going to get a chance to hit the Northern Hemisphere.

Maybe the Plague is too ancient to instill paranoia in you. How about the Influenza Pandemic that followed World War One? It killed even more people than the Plague, in far less time. The reason for this is obvious, transportation is far improved over that of the Middle Ages. When the disease broke out it was all over the world within a week, no problem. The is a cure for Influenza now a days. But in humankind didn't have one until well after 25 million deaths occurred.

The one thing I've learned from history is that motivation to solve a problem is never found until the shit has backed up to the ceiling fan. Almost no one is vaccinated against it. And almost no one will be until it kills some great number of people.

I am attempting to gain a humorous sense of fatalism about life. So I will in Vonnegut-esque fashion attempt to find some good in a possible return of the Black Death. The Black Death is spread by rats. If it does come back we will be be rid of New York City and more specifically of pretentious fucks who think living in New York somehow makes them better than everyone else.

I wish this was real

2008-01-14T12:08:00.000-08:00

The fictional organization Writers Anonymous would be very useful to me. I still have the stupid fantasy of being a famous writer now and then, even though I'm statistically just as likely to win the lottery. It's hard now to understand how the stupid delusion came to infect me. I consider the 'self esteem' movement to be the most likely culprit. Or perhaps the English teachers who told me I had a 'gift' and 'needed to write.' Teachers shouldn't be telling kids that they 'can do anything,' it's a dirty filthy lie that will remain in the subconscious well into adult life. This belief that everyone is 'special' makes people think that they are too good for whatever they can actually do well, which of course leads to a bunch of stupid anghst about 'my life not turning out like it should have.'

I'm fortunate in that I finally realized that life doesn't give a damn about one's stupid dreams. And that people can only be happy by pursuit of realistic and useful goals. One must desire less and appreciate more, as much as possible. That's why I force myself to Meditate all the time, detachment enables me to see my thoughts as the stupid bullshit that they are. This has enabled me to gain some freedom from all the random junk in my head, which I now know has no deep meaning whatsoever and as such should not threaten me.

I finally executed the 'sleep skip' that I was attempting earlier during break. All I have to do now is stay awake for five more hours, then my schedule will be snapped back to 'morning' schedule. I cannot keep waking up so damn late in the day, it cuts down the amount of sunlight I'm exposed too, which causes depression.

This morning I saw the sun come up for the first time in memory. The things that my laziness has cut me off from!

The Devil is a Bitch

2008-01-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

I'm getting tired of my Meditation being interrupted by demons. This is probably the 7th or 8th time it's happened. I'm just out for some inner peace, there is no desire for occult power within me. The devils don't even say anything original, they just blather on and on, saying cliched lines such as:

"GARRRAHHHHH I AM DEATH!"
"Burn it! Burn it all!"
"You are in my power!" (I always mock the demon after that one, which makes it quite angry and annoyed.)
"Silence mortal cocksucker faggot! You is a bitch!"

Stupid demons. They aren't nearly as big a deal as religious fundamentalists make them out to be. Their voices are scary at first, but after awhile you loose fear of that and they become merely annoying. They can show you images of stuff isn't real either, which can be disorienting if you haven't had visions before. Like they show me worms eating my eyeballs from inside. Or scenes from evil historical events like World War Two Nazi Death Camps.

Usually I just ignore the demon until it gets bored of holding a one sided conversation with me and leaves. But this time I asked it how it was planning to bring about the Apocalypse. The demon told me that it was pretty easy, seeing how humans are 'willing to kill eachother over everything.' The demon told me that all major religions were founded by itself and other demons, so that men would slaughter eachother for it's amusement. Men said the demon were half right to suspect demonic founding of other people's faiths, however they were also wrong in that they did suspect that they too had been duped.

The demon said that Judaism, Christianity and Islam were all founded by demonic influence. The real entity involved was Ares, the Ancient Greek god of War. Ares had been kicked off Olympus for being an overly combative pain in the ass and in retribution decided to spread discord and hate amongst mortals. Ares went to the Middle East and used his godly powers to overawe the primitive people there. It was simple for Ares to convince them of his divine power. Ares told them that he was the one and only God, that all others were imposters and that his commands were absolute law. Ares went down to Earth on this mission a number of times, giving more and more laws and demanding that various 'heathens' be wiped out. The reason for 'contradictions' in scripture is due to the fact that Ares wanted to confuse his followers, to inspire killings by the names of 'heresy' or 'inquisition' or 'crusade.' Ares has been working overtime recently, inspiring the showdown between Christianity and Islam that is playing out in the current Iraq War. Ares is manifest in the 'Moral Majority' types that run the U.S. Republican Party, filling them with pride and rage. Ares is also much at work in Islam, and is responsible for much of present barbaric Islamic law, such as cutting off somebody's damn hand for shoplifting, or public beheadings.

Where-ever humans get filled up with enough pride to kill and oppress others, Ares is at work. I asked the demon why Zeus hadn't intervened, but it said that Zeus and the other Olympians had long grown disinterested in human affairs. Also the Olympians feel angry that humans stopped believing in them, as such they are not so inclined to help.

I got tired of the demon's ranting after awhile and told it to piss off. It told me that it had supreme authority over me. I told the demon that it could exercise it's extreme authority over my hairy white ass. I ignored the demon until it grew bored with me and left.

The monster did have a point though. Claiming that yours is the only religion and all others are demonic opens a Pandora's box of theological problems. If demons (or aliens) are running around playing games then there's no way of knowing that your belief system isn't also a part of it. Arthur C. Clarke once said that any signifigantly advanced technology is indistiguishable from magic. In that same vein of logic is the fact that any supernatural entity could convince humans (especially primitive ones) of pretty much anything. Because of this the world is a crapshoot. Even if one believes in the literal truth of whatever miracle one can't know what the power source of that miracle really was...

Abilify is evil

2008-01-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

Well that's another anti-psychotic that didn't work out for me. I took the Abilify sample around 11 PM and in about an hour my skin transformed into a mass of itching. I couldn't sleep until early this morning, despite being chronically tired. I'm still feeling residual itching right now, on the back on my neck and on my hands. My Psychiatrist said to take only half the usual dose when starting out on this drug. I'm glad that I did, otherwise I could have had the much more extreme allergic reaction warned about in the phamplet, the one involving hives and dripping sores.

Last month the drug trial involved Geodon, which made my heart rate go up to an uncomfortable level. Before that there was some anti-depressant that I can't remember the title of, which made me wig out and hallucinate swarms of blue tarantulas.

I've been drinking alot of fluids, trying to flush out whatever's left of the drug. Maybe then the itching will be gone. On the upside the itching distracts from my sinus infection and/or tooth decay.

Bitchy Sickness

2008-01-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

I was going to go visit a friend, but my stupid assed head cold has returned. I can't shake the damn thing, no matter how long I sleep or how much hot soup I put into my body's water system. I had a brief window of health in which I made the arrangement to hang out, but my body was decieving me.

My immune system is for shit in general, but especially in December and January, when it teams up with the shortened days to make me want to sleep 24 hours a day. At least I'm not in some place that's also really cold, then I'd be really hating life. It's only kind of cold in Jingo Desert, the night-time low being the low 30s.

It's not cold cold like at Great Lakes IL, where we would be out marching in 4 degree weather, or weather sometimes even beneath the zero degree mark. Even covered head to foot in layers of snow gear the cold still seemed to seep in. I don't think that December will ever be knocked off as the worst Holiday season ever for me. Or the worst trip ever for that matter. I still hate contact with anything government to this day, as much as I hate organized religion even.

Convention and myself don't seem to survive contact very well.

I gave up on 'normal' people a long time ago. Sometimes I want to be one, but I know that I don't want the suburban lifestyle that my dad bought into. He spends all his free time cleaning up this house, mowing the lawn and watching television. He has the money to go out on the town sure, but never does. My mom is the same way. She just watches politics on the tube all the day and talks about wanting to go see movies, then never does go to the theatre because she fears the outside world.

I'm not one of those country dwellers with an exaggerated view of cities. Alot of people in Jingo Town believe that big cities are either magic places where exciting stuff happens all the time, or terrible hell-holes full of non-christian criminals and godless homosexuals. They think that either 'I'm got to get out of this pit' or 'I'm glad I live here with GOOD people.' I fall closer to the first of the two views.

I don't think moving to a city will make everything fufilling for me, but fuck there just isn't anything at all to do here. The suburban life means having no life. People in suburbs don't do anything but obsess over property values and play golf. There's no culture, no sense of community, let alone no concerts by decent bands or anything else that might make life worth living.

Sickness

2008-01-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

I've been having more of the late night tooth pain. I'm convinced that it's all my head, because I don't feel it during the day. Either that or there's a sinus infection involved, because I didn't start to feel the pains until the temperature dropped last month. A few years ago I was told by a doctor that the pains I was having in my teeth and in my head were the result of infections in my upper nose. Hopefully nothing on me is broken. Getting messed up teeth fixed is expensive.

The sinus infection was mis-diagnosed by a dentist as me having some problem with the roots of my teeth, for which I needed a root cannal worth more than $700. A second dentist though found out that I had no cavities in my teeth, so that first one was trying to graft me. I am going to a dentist though, just in case I am really starting to fall apart. I was well overdue for a check up anyway, I haven't had my teeth X-rayed in more than three years.

I should also get a physical from a medical doctor, but I won't do that. There's the fear that I've gotten some respiratory disease from breathing so much heavily polluted air for so much of my life. Frankily I don't want to know about those sorts of things. Especially when I don't have health insurance to pay for some major problem.

I couldn't get out of bed again today. My mind looks out my bedroom window, sees that it's still dark outside and immediately cancels my waking up. It's not cold, but there's no sunlight because of the stupid fog. That and I know there's no where to go out to anyway in this dumbass town, so there's no motivation to leave the bed. I'm one of those people who needs to have somewhere to go, otherwise they just sleep. I know this is true because I can always get to school or work on time, or make a bus trip out of here. But as for aimless hanging around...nahhhhhhh...

Tweaky Cleaning

2008-01-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

I decided today that I need to do something about the piles of useless junk that have built up in my room. I started with the intent of just getting rid of old bags, reciepts and plastic wrappers for various electronic gizmos. However as I cleaned up more and more garbage it was like my consciousness expanded. I started actually seeing more and more junk. How long had all those old graded homework assignments being lying there. Seeing how the dates could be as far as Fall semester 06 it made me wonder. I had a realization, once something hasn't been moved in a long enough time it literally becomes invisible. I have an old stereo system that hasn't played CDs in two years, which has never been moved simply because my mind blocked out its existence.

Stuff also seems to breed. I have no idea why I own so many DVDs that I only watched twice. My acquisition of movies is a mystery to me. Most films are only worth watching fewer than three times. So why pay four times the price of rental?

I'm not sure what the impulse buying urge comes from, though I believe it has something to do with the idea of expanding one's self psychologically. In this theory people buy useless junk because it gives them a sense of 'place' and 'stability,' or of expanding one's power, both of which serve to ward off fears of death and decay that lie within the human psyche. The only thing I am clear on is that my stuff addiction must be beaten. I could have saved up enough money to leave this pit of a town long ago, if not for my lust for 'moar crap.' I've bought up useless junk with a passion that makes me wonder if some part of my mind actually hates having money. What's worse is that my brain gets no lasting satisfication from 'stuff.' It's just an addiction like any other, one that ambushes me (and my bank account) whenever I stop being mindful of it.

Deep Freeze

2008-01-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

My mind is shutting down I think. This is probably for the best. I have never gotten anything out of speaking my mind, ever. More and more I wonder what the point of having free will is, in a mass society. And it's just going to get less and less free, as time progresses. Technological progress has assured us of that, so has population growth.

I'd take an ice pick and give myself a lobotomy, but I'm sure I'd botch the job.

Driving is a privelege, not a right.

2008-01-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

I nearly got run over tonight, this brain donor plowed through a red light while I was trying to cross the street. I had the 'walker' symbol light up in my direction, as well as the green for my direction, but some fools are too important for such things. I was directly out in front of this guy and he got within maybe 15 feet of me before I realized that this fool wasn't beginning to comprehend the concept of 'right of way' and had to get the Hell out of the way. After the near collision they still didn't slow down. I had a rare moment of anger, giving a double middle fingered salute too them, along with a number of obscene words.

I think the rain must be laced with toxins. After being out in it I have itching all over the areas of my skin which were exposed to the rain. I had to go out though, being inside all the time makes me go crazy.

The break is almost over. I will be glad to finish off school, though it won't be over until Fall Semester. I've been in this area for a seeming eternity. I need to go somewhere where I'll actually want to get up in the morning. I am not however interested in going to school for the next two semesters. There is nothing special at all about 'higher education.' Anyone with a pulse can do it. What the college degree really is is a new means of class/race discrimination. Employers aren't allowed to come out and say they won't want to hire blacks, mexicans or whatever 'minority' they dislike. But they are able to use the college degree to disqualify those poor enough not to buy a diploma, who suprise suprise often come from 'ghetto' backgrounds. Yes I said 'buy a diploma,' that's exactly what it is. Admittedly there are still some majors which require effort. But if you're a lazy fuck there are plenty of bullshit ones that will hand you a diploma so long as you make payments on time and don't burn down some campus building. And most prospective employers don't care what your major was, just that you have that piece of paper.

Fortunately the long waiting period is almost over for me. I will be free soon.

Remote Monitoring

2008-01-04T22:45:00.001-08:00

The system isn't in the walls, in it's my back two teeth. But what is this? It must be some kind of extraterrestial thing, because my life wouldn't be interesting to most other humans. They must be looking for some 'average' Earthling to take notes upon, through which they can watch Earth culture and decided upon the easiest way to eliminate us. I am not conceited enough to think that I am alone in this, a number of people must have these implants. These creatures certainly need a large enough study group, scientifically speaking, before making their hideous plans.

But what do they want our planet for? That's what I don't understand. If they can travel across space and install micro-machines in my head, then what do we have that they couldn't possibly produce themselves?

I actually saw a space craft once. It was in December of 2006, while I was out walking down a dark road. A pillar of light came straight downward from the sky, lighting up myself and the ground around me. The emphasis is on straight down, the beam couldn't have been some far off truck or other ground vechile because that would have hit me from the side. There were no street lights for much more than a hundred feet and their light wouldn't be curving in my direction anyway. It wasn't an airplane, because an airplane wouldn't have disappeared after being overhead for a few seconds. It wasn't a hallucination, my mind can't create anything that's ten times bigger than my physical body.

However I have not to my knowledge ever seen an extraterrestial being. This could well be due to brain erasing techniques. Perhaps there are no technological devices inside my head after all and my belief that their are comes from distorted memory of a previous abduction. I have always wondered if I was abducted by aliens, because I have had so many nightmares of them pretty much all of my life. I used to think as a child that invisible aliens were following me, something that I sensed even during the day. I was afraid of the dark far longer than was socially acceptable, probably until I was 13 or 14.

I hear the voices whispering as they always do, after the sun goes down. They are especially pushy during this time of year, when the days seem to flicker away like brief sparks. This year has seen a great increase in the presence. I used to enjoy night-time because of the stars, but now I cling to the sun like a cross against the undead. Night is now a time of horrid visions. I never open my eyes in a dark room, because if I do there are blue tarantulas crawling up and down the walls. Or flying toaster beings. Or floor serpents. Or anyother number of 'things that should not be,' to borrow a line from H.P. Lovecraft.

I am down the rabbit hole. Logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead. I do not know how to get out of here.

More Brain Work

2008-01-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

I had to run errands today, namely seeing the brain doctor. Geodon didn't work out, so I had to be given another anti-psychotic to try out, in addition to picking up another month of Adderall. The new drug is called Abilify, I have no idea what it's effects are just yet. Oh well. I'm willing to keep trying new chemicals if it gets rid of my paranoia. Weird visual effects don't bother me, I just view them as being like color blindness, merely a different way of percieving things. But feelings of impending doom are something I get sick of, the same with delusions that people have been 'replaced' with government or extraterrestial andriods to spy on me, or that there are cameras in walls monitoring everything I do for conspiracy groups. My invisible buddy Pitts McFinnigan is something I can also do without. I get tired of him telling me to light stuff on fire, or break windows, or do any number of other things that I know would get me in trouble.

I also got news that my final check is probably lost in the mail. My boss got it mailed to her, rather than it being mailed to me for some damn reason. My boss then mailed it to me on Friday. She's in the same town as me, so the check should have arrived. If the check doesn't show up I'm going to go to the post office and see if it got stuck for some bureaucractic reason. Dammit I want my $250!

Today wasn't all bad. I got a $15 gift certificate for Best Buy, which is enough for a free CD. Anyone who knows me knows that I never stop getting new music. I don't think one can ever have enough music.

I am going to have to cut down on buying CDs, and on pretty much else everything else etertainment wise. I'm never going to get out of this pit of a town unless I save up several thousand dollars. Once I've relocated I can get roommates to help me with rent, but I'll need enough money for the first few months rent, because finding a roommate whose not a psycho or a thief may take time.

Last Night was weird

2008-01-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I did go out, I got to see some real examples of human stupidity. The type I'll be able to use if I ever do try to become a writer. I saw people smoking crack and weed out in public, drunk girls pissing on the sidewalk, people fighting, the police chasing after fools and generally lots and lots of drunks staggering around in 'party hats' yelling at people. I didn't make it to the fireworks display, but I saw them on TV in this bar I was in, where we were doing the stupid 'countdown' to Midnight thing and watching Times Square on the TV set. The fact that I had to spend more than $20 to drink 64 ounces of beer really sucked. But it was still alot funner being stupid among other people than doing it back at home. I got offered a joint at the bar by dudes who were just getting high in the middle of the street, but there were too many people with cameras in there, not mention cops all over the place. So I had to decline. It turned out to be the right move, because the bouncers went after those dudes about two minutes after I saw them. So I had to stick with the Tobacco smokes.

I went out on the beach one last time, I was out there until the last orange rays of the Sunset went out, just zoning and contemplating things. It was beautiful. I also walked through Golden Gate Park and took photos of the Bison Herd there. I went to this awesome Mexican Restaurant, their Quesidillas were suspiciously identical to the ones at Baha Fresh, but they had killer burritos. After eating there I felt almost drunk, I was so full.

The time on this trip has faded out. Tomorrow I have to go back home. Oh well, I'm almost out of money anyways. And I'll be out of the Hostel, away from all the paranoia involved with keeping my stuff locked up and having to share bathrooms and other non-sense.

This is the year. I graduate college. Then I leave Jingo Town, never to return again.

2007 is dying

2007-12-31T18:30:00.001-08:00

Looking back on this year I can only wonder...what in the fuck was that? I don't remember most of it, which is a testiment to how drunk I was for the first half or so. Or to how much I was working and going to school. Still, it was a better year then a number of the years I've had. 2004 and 2005 in particular. If I were a stock that would be where I 'crashed.' Around summer of 2006 I started getting myself back together, by going to back to college. I know now that I have to finish, if only to get 'closure' on the whole on going episode.

I spent most of the day out on the trails, like I planned. It was a magnificient day, the ocean was blue was a sapphire, the waves were white as snow, the sun was warm. I took alot of photos of the ocean and the cliffs and the trees, but I knew that they couldn't capture what my eyes were actually seeing. There was a timelessness to the afternoon today, everything was just right. A moment in time, once lost, is never to be regained. I actually felt depressed when the sun went down.

I'm not sure if I'm going to do much tonight. The nightlife here is so expensive that I'm not sure I could get drunk even if I wanted too. That's probably for the best anyway. I'll probably just have one or two of those overpriced beers and be fine with that. I was going to go to the fireworks, but I don't want to walk all the way across downtown around Midnight. Not with all crazies that populate big city nights. I bet I can see the fireworks from Union Square anyway. I mean I'd guess that they'd be over the whole city.

Game Day

2007-12-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

The Raiders put in the type of performance that they're good at, play up to the level of the opposition for half the game, then get mentally lazy and let them back in. San Diego was no great team, it shouldn't have wound up as ugly as it became.

I'm trying to rouse myself to go out and hit the town. It doesn't seem to be working. Booze prices are too ridiculous. And that's just for bars, clubs have some cover price on top of that. I don't know, I don't think I'm that much fun anymore. At least from a 'social' standpoint. I don't have much of an appetite for going to parties, like I did a couple of years ago.

The sun broke through today. Hopefully it stays out tomarrow, I want to spend the day hiking again. I'm thinking of getting a camera and doing 'nature' photography at Land's End and the Presidio. I will get a camera, if it's sunny again. I perfer nature to people, probably 9 times out of 10.

Land's Edge

2007-12-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

I finally took those trails up past the Cliff House. I should have done that a long time ago, the ocean views from those cliffs are amazing, even in all the fog. The trail really reminded me of some of the hiking I did at Humboldt State University, up around Trinidad to be precise. Where there was nothing but me, the earth, the sea. There was peace there, and there was peace at Land's End.

I'm set to go out and light the town up. Hahaha just kidding. The only thing I'm drinking tonight is a diet coke. The two drinks I had yesterday were enough to remind me that it's stupid. This is good, because being dry for three weeks made me start wondering if I was 'missing out.' I am by no means missing anything.

I was tempted to smoke today though. I didn't do it, but not because I'm full of virture or something like that. I just didn't want to pay the $6 that they charge for a pack of cigarettes. Yes you read correctly, $6 for a pack of Maraboros. They're smoking something themselves if they think I'm paying that.

I had to come in earlier than I'd like, just like last night. Only this night it's for another reason. There seems to be a crazy homeless guy every three feet, and none of them are taking no for an answer. I can't enjoy myself listening for constant requests for spare change.

I wish I'd had room in my suitcase for my DVD player. I'm sick of being stuck in here at night. I guess I could go looking for cheaper cigarettes, but that would require going out in the crowd of pan-handlers. I'd normally kill time with a book, but I stupidly didn't pack one. I saw a bookstore when I was near Ocean Beach, but was too dumb to go and get something.

I did however score tickets to tomarrow's Raiders-Charger game. I managed to get 'Cheap Seats' too, so it didn't waste my bank account like I when I saw the Lakers three years ago.

San Francisco

2007-12-28T18:04:00.001-08:00

My plan of partying hard has fallen through, namely because the Union Square bars I went too charge $5+ for a pint of beer. Bastards.

I think I must be in the pervert center of the city, which for San Francisco is not easy. I saw nearly 10 massage parlors in maybe three city blocks. In addition to the place advertising 'Private Nude Shows' and the many pornography stores. There also seems to be a liquor store every third building or so.

I've been awake for some ungodly length of time. I got some very shallow sleep before my alarm went off at 5 AM, but it wasn't really worth a damn. I tried to sleep on the bus, but it was more lack of REM sleep. I need to black out, to enter a coma-like death sleep from which no thought can escape.

I wish the sun would stay up longer. This is the wrong time of the year to be going anywhere. The city is covered in as much fog as stupid Jingo Town is. The fog did abate somewhat before the sun went down. I got some view of the Bay from the top of Nob Hill, but not a great deal. I could just barely make out Alcatraz. There was a rather large frieghter which was much more visible though.

I went to the cool record store that I went too last time I was here. I got a Sun Ra album, plus the Butthole Surfer's Widowmaker, which is a combination of two earlier albums that never made it onto CD. Bay Area stores are a hell of alot cooler than anything we have back home.

Nerves

2007-12-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

I am indeed going on my short vacation. This means that I won't be sleeping tonight, I never can sleep prior to riding the Greyhound bus. My mind is too busy making up lists of things that could go wrong traveling. I always get strung out from doing that. It would be very easy to listen to the voice telling me not to leave home. That voice whispers bad things into my ears every day. It strives to weaken me to where I would be under it's domination full time.

If I was not educated I would probably believe that I am demonically possessed. Such is the strength of the voices.

The trip will be the for the best. Jingo Town has seemed to be getting smaller as of late. Pretty soon I won't have space to breathe at all. I know that this is not true, but the feeling of being 'trapped' is real enough. My life has felt increasingly robotic, like I'm stuck in a video being played on a continual loop.
San Francisco is always a cure for that tedium. It is impossible to be bored there, mostly because of the abundance of street weirdos.

It is time to indulge in some stupid bullshit. I will be wielding to my stupid desire to go to a football game, something which occurs only once in a great great while. It's an especially stupid desire considering that I am an Oakland Raiders fan. As far as home teams go they let down the faithful quite often, especially against teams like the Chargers. Still it will be exciting, because I'll be out in a huge crowd, rather just watching at home by myself.

I will probably also give in to my stupid desire to go to a New Years Eve Party. I won't get trashed though, it's dangerous to wander around in a strange city drunk out of your mind. Well it's dangerous to wander around drunk in general, but even more so in a place where there's no one around to pick you up at the bar. Then you have to wander home hoping you don't get arrested for being drunk outside. That kind of shit isn't worth the consquences. I'll only have the minimum drink total, which is always low enough to keep people under the legal limit.

I don't have any desire to get wasted anyway. What I want is to go out dancing, which I haven't done in a couple years.

I also intend to spend alot of time hanging out at the beach. Other than that though I have no plan, will probably just 'kick it' and generally get relief from small town existence.

Paranoid (Continued)

2007-12-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

"Your insane! The cellars the safest place!"
-Night of the Living Dead-

The stupid disorder is acting up again. Fortunately we the fog broke today. Sunlight helps in relieving 'The Fear.' I was thinking of canceling my trip last night, because I kept thinking something of things that could go wrong on it. That of course is more reason to go. If I wield to 'The Fear' it will just get bigger and bigger, until it succeeds in totally disabling me. I have stopped opening in my eyes in dark rooms, the hallucinations are getting to me. The walls crawl with blue tarantulas and worms. I see flashes of light and hearing the demented Irishman Pitts McCarthy. The Air Gnomes may or may not have returned. I've been seeing eyes on walls again too.

"Oh there's a creep in the cellar that I'm gonna let in
There's a hole in his brain where his mind should've been
When he starts talkin' backwards your head starts to spin
And he really freaks me out when he peels off his skin, yow!

Oh there's a creep in the cellar with his hands in the air
And he lies to his mother but she doesn't care
When the fists are flying backwards and the ballroom is bare
Cause the turkey's talkin' backwards, it'll raise up your hair
Oh there's a creep in the cellar that I'm gonna let...in"
-Butthole Surfers-

Some march to the beat of a different drummer...

2007-12-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

...but I have my own band.

I know this feeling. It's the first frenzied energy waves of a 'maniac' spell. I'm not complaining about that, it makes me get creative. I'll be doing many psychotic drawings tonight, maybe even writing fiction.

Maniac phases are why I have to stay sober. In my right frame of mind I can direct the energy into doing some constructive. When inebriated I just wind up breaking stuff.

Mystical

2007-12-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

I finished reading Fear and Trembling, which was long overdue. Kierkegaard was indeed right, having faith is the both the highest and most difficult of things. And also right was Kierkegaard's knowledge that faith is created only in direct opposition to dread. Faith is not a bunch of people getting together in a circle to nod agreeingly. Faith exists in the individual who walks slow but resolutely in the darkness, unable to speak from the horrors fighting within them.

We do indeed exist in a world of dread and despair. The planet is about to evict us with 'climate change,' but no one is paying much attention. And our idiot man-child of a President may well succeed in getting yet another war started in Iran. I am not in the school of thought that says humankind will become extinct, or one that says there will soon be a final battle between good and evil for all time.

What I do think is that we are heading into a 'transitional' period, one with enough change that traditional people people think of that word 'Apocalypse.' The Fall of Rome was one such event. So was the Renaissance in Europe, the Industrial Revolution and the World Wars. Climate Change like those events is going to change our way of living forever. We will either learn to manage resources or suffer large die offs as population growth outstrips the supply of fresh water. If the taps run dry there will be chaos. Civilization looks more permeanant than it really is. It is dependent on a complex organizational structure that keeps everyone from killing eachother. For organization to hold the daily routinue of life must not be disrupted. People must go to work, have enough to eat, have water to drink, and have a place to sleep. If the supply of food and water stops then there will be hoarding, then violent competition over these survival needs. The huge populations of cities will butcher one another.

I will make my Kierkegaardian movement here and have Faith that the human race will not destroy itself. I will have faith that Climate Change will play out slow enough for changes to be made, such as building a system of Desalinization facilities and a switchover to non carbon energy sources.

However Faith is difficult, so I will also have a 'Plan B.' I call this Plan of action 'Alaska.' Alaska will outdistance the mess, even in the harshest models that have an increase of 11.5 degrees. I do not think it will come to that. Washington State is probably far enough. The important thing is get out of the desert and up to where water is abundant. The forecasts aren't getting wetter. The day will come when fresh water will be the new oil. Those states in control of the supply, such as the Pacific Northwest, Colorado and the Great Lake States will wield untold influence over places such as Georgia and California. I do not want to be on the recieving end of that mess.

Another attempt at Philanthropy

2007-12-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

I gave more to the World Food Programme. Supposedly I've fed some child in the Third World for a year. I wasn't sure how $36 could do that in the first place until I saw the ad reminding me that the really poor people live on rice. Yeesh. People in this country look even worse to me now. If people in the Third World could be kept alive on rice then how much effort would it take to feed them? Americans eat so much that we die of being fat for Christsakes.

My mind still hasns't adjusted to being out of school. I'm still wound up, though somewhat less so than earlier.

Revival

2007-12-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
-Jean Paul Sarte

I will not loose hope.

The light is going out indeed. But that is reason to live harder. I will make the darkness work. It'll have to break me down.

One Day Storm

2007-12-18T12:24:00.000-08:00

Mighty Zeus...I implore you to keep dumping more of this rain over our parched and ravaged land. We will surely die if great storms are not brought. Open up the sky, drench the land. We need a deluge, that leaves every lake revived and the mountains packed with snow and ice.

For these damn fools have not gotten with the idea of de-salinizing ocean water. You can't have a huge population in an arid desert. The Colorado River is reduced to a trickle by the time it reaches the Gulf of California.

There have been maybe two or three foggy days this year. I can clearly remember when the fog would smother out all sunlight for weeks at a time. I'm not fond of the fog, but it's absence is deeply disturbing. The natural order is breaking down way ahead of schedule. The U.S. Government insists on doing jack shit. This of course is because materialism has taken possession of our souls. The really rich corporate fucks who own the U.S. would become somewhat less rich if Carbon Emissions were regulated. They have no trouble throwing everyone else in climate change's path, money protects them and always will. Other governments are willing to make changes, but not ours. And at the same time we won't cut our own pollution we insist that the 3rd World do as we don't. We don't want the huge populations of China and Indian to ever start driving cars like we do. What's left of the world's oil supply would be gone in a flash.

My own exodus to the Northland can't happen soon enough. I'm let get the Hell out and let all the fucks who say 'global warming will mean more beach weather!' to the fate they deserve. It's not like I didn't warn them. I protested when I thought it could still make a difference. I know better now. There are too many rednecks who think 'science is the devil boy' for meaningful change to ever happen in America. They fully think that the Rapture is really real and coming soon enough that there's no reason to conserve anything.

Screw it. Maybe I've developed a spoiled attitude towards life expectancy. In Medieval Europe living to 35 meant one was really old. Within that time frame I'm a middle aged man already. I must find value in every day that comes, because there probably aren't many left.

Too Lazy for Hate

2007-12-17T21:43:00.001-08:00

I used to geniunely hate the human race. Now I'm indifferent to it. This is a big step up. Or forward. Or something. Whatever.

I killed three of the five FInals today. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Now my hand is cramped and spazed out. A couple of people seemed to be loosing their minds. I know this because they were talking to me, people come up to talk to me unless they're in bad shape. I've felt the tinges of madness at times myself, my right eye has been twitching quit a bit, but it's under control. I recognize that we are in another stupid society game. This is a process of tweaking people more than anything. The goal is to produce a creature capable of dealing with all the little hellions in the public school system. They want to discourage those who would break down under the work load.

I still will probably be a teacher, I've read too many books not to do something with all my abstract knowledge. I suppose I could work in a library. But from what I've seen libraries are always having their funding and operating hours cut. So I doubt there'd be much job security there.

If I could have one job though it'd be working way out in the woods, for the state park system. I'd be in one of those observation towers doing nothing but look out for forest fires. I would exist in total serenity all the time. I plan to apply for the state park service, but I'd imagine there will be alot of competition. There are probably a bunch of campers who want to escape their shit jobs in the city and get out under that great big sky. I don't blame them at all. Wanting to run away from all of humanity's stupid power games is a very natural thing.

I screwed up on my 'quit drinking' count. Today is the 12th day since I stopped, yesterday was the 11th.

Sober

2007-12-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

"How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech."
Soren Kierkegaard

This is the 12th day in a row that I am not drinking. It is the longest I've been sober since my 21st birthday enabled all of this bullshit. I don't count the Great Lakes debacle towards that, I was sober 41 days, but none of it was voluntary. I was planning to resume drinking as soon as I was released.

The 'brain mostly re-adapts after 4 to 6 weeks' thing still seems a long way off. The 'Full blood flow returns to Frontal Lobe' thing is infiniteismally far, four damn years is an eternity. I definately don't feel 100%. I feel like my brain is more active, at least compared to the past couple of years, but I am still not as quick thinking as I was at 20.

What changed, versus other attempts to stop drinking was that I wasn't meditating then. I'd never really taken on all the BiPolar drama that was causing me to want to drink. Or if did attempt to solve it, it was through the stop gap solution of writing fiction. This always made the ideas in my head bigger and stronger, because putting stories out there meant attaching my ego to my thoughts. Thoughts are bullshit, unless they pertain to basic survival instincts like "Get out of the way of that bus" or "Eat now." Thoughts can be interesting, stupid, depressing, whatever.

The key to life is to remember that thoughts are not real and to keep reminding yourself of that. I'm not saying to stop thinking, because that's impossible even with alcohol/heroin/other heavy downers. What I'm saying is that the things in your head are just a big TV show really. Always remember that your're watching it, that its what you are. If one channel is depressing or boring then just switch your programming to thoughts which are happier, more interesting, whatever your looking for.

I'm supposed to finish reviewing for finals, but am in a profoundly lazy mood after doing so much reviewing the past two days. Even watching the Raiders get blown out by Indianapolis has more appeal has more appeal than opening my textbooks again. I have no choice though, my Civil War instructor didn't give us a study guide, he just said "everything we did in the whole semester is fair game." I'd better just kill the reviews and be done.

I've wielding to my desire to leave town during this Winter break. I feel a deep need to re-visit freak city San Francisco, I haven't been there in over a year now. It'll be more interesting than hanging out in this cowboy cesspool throughout the break.

Sunrise

2007-12-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm setting my alarm back earlier and earlier for the next two days. It was 8 AM today, tomarrow and the day after will be 7 AM and 6 AM. Daylight reduces my hallucinations, visual, auditory and textual. So I will aim to spend as much of my waking time in the sun as possible. I haven't had a daylight hallucination since Wensday, when a Blue Meanie was running around in my Greek History class. This creature didn't look strictly like one of the Blue Meanies in the film, but much more like a demonic version of Mickey Mouse that I assume was a Blue Meanie because of it's blue skin color and uniform. If you've ever seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas think of the 'Nazi Mickey Mouse' on the Hitch Hiker's t-shirt. That's pretty much what I'm talking about here.

I feel halfway grateful for school right now, the final schedule will give me something on focus on other than my own mental delusions. I only say halfway though, I'd rather be working on my own projects.

This is the 9th day in a row that I am not consuming alcohol. I last consumed alcohol on the 5th, in hopes of subdueing one of my freak outs. Alcohol has lost it's ability to sedate me. Getting drunk used to make me calm, that's why I did it for so many years, but now it just adds to the crazy feelings. I strongly believe that I have been drunk to the point of becoming brain damaged.

Being sober will probably mean that I can't have much of a social life, so much revolves around drinking in our 'society.' But fuck it, I'm a loner anyway.

I need to get off the computer, the mail is coming. I need to be out there to pick it up, Meth heads are always out there stealing stuff in this town.

I apologize

2007-12-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

Whoever you are I've probably done you wrong somehow. I am sorry. I do the best I can with the ruined brain that I have.

I hate election years

2007-12-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

I'm already hearing that if the Republicans get elected again we'll have another war in Iran, then World War Three. Or something similar.

I will say this, if the Draft comes back then the fuckers will not get me. I have some knowledge of how evil the military is, mostly because they 'smoked me' out of the character building experience of basic training. I only say 'some' knowledge though because I never went to war. War is ultimate act of human stupidity, groups of people who've never met before fighting because that they both think they 'own' the ground they're standing on.

I'd escape the country. I'd imagine I'd succeed, as millions of Mexicans have snuck in without any trouble. And if somehow that fails I would commit suicide as soon as a gun would be put in hands. Being dead is better than having to kill someone else. My grandfather fought in World War Two and he spent the rest of his life lost in a PTSD haze, never able to live down the fact that he'd killed men, or having seen groups of Japanese people jumping off cliffs to gruesome deaths rather than surrender.

Death is a mercy compared to that kind of existence.

Invasion of the Katrinians

2007-12-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Now that's the type of episode that Boondocks Season 2 should have done alot more of, rather than making fun of rappers over and over. Grandad's attitude toward the Katrina refugees is exactly right, thinking that people need to help the poor and downtrodden...you know so long as sacrifice isn't involved. That's so totally American. And Uncle Ruckus was in top evil form, even for him. I take back all my doubts about Aaron McGruder, he still has talent.

I have to get my brain together and finish another term paper, study for another test. Blah. I hate writing papers more than anything. There's no enjoyment in writing when I know I'm getting the paper back covered in dripping red ink.

The brain is running on vapors, as it always is this late in the semester. I've hit that point where one runs out of energy even with Speed. The energy reserves get tapped out. I'm going to go for a run, see if Endorphins can get me feeling positive, since I've obviously run out of Dopeamine.

I don't know why I'm so cracked out. I slept alot last night and the past few nights, but something my wrong because I'm not feeling restored at all when I wake up. I must be having alot of nightmares, or something similar. I've heard that people with brain damage can't reach the kind of deep sleep that reduces fatigue. I certainly believe that its true.

I'm tempted to blow some money on a quick getaway to a California city. I really shouldn't, I've been to San Francisco and San Diego a number of times. I need to save that money so I can go on a long trip, at least to the other side of America. I've never even seen the Atlantic Ocean, which tells you how much of an untraveled hick I am.

Brains on drugs

2007-12-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

"About 15% of alcoholics experience seizures during withdrawals, and the likelihood of having such seizures, as well as their severity, increases with the number of past withdrawal episodes. The seizures are correlated with shrinkage of both frontal lobes, but it is not known whether the seizures are a cause or an effect of the structural changes"
-http://www.alcohol-drug.com/neuropsych.htm-

I must be lucky, I haven't had a seizure, though it's been five days since I stopped and have been edgy since. Once I've been sober for a week, on Wensday, I figure it'll get easier. Well the quitting part will get easier, the damage to my brain is iffy. The above website says I will need four years of complete abstinence for the blood flow in my brain's frontal lobe to return to 100%. Yeesh.

At least I won't be around the poison anymore. I had to quit my job because the sight of old barflies was getting to me, especially the ones throwing away all their money so that some 18 year old waitress will pretend to flirt with them. I will not have that as a fate. Hell it isn't a fate, its a living death. I won't have any part of helping in the suicide. I used to justify it by saying that people are gonna die anyway, but it doesn't mean I have to help them.

I'm sick of the excuses made for the great satan Booze, the ones made by myself or others. It's self destruction. People just don't see it because they're so programmed by the Cult of Death, that force saying that the destruction of a planet and of ourselves to produce 'stuff' is A-Okay. I make a point of buying used 'stuff' whenever possible, theres enough poison in the sky as is. I'm still a part of the cult though, because I drive a car and drive it alot. I have a long commute to school. That's one of the reasons I *need* to move to an actual city, because there I won't need a car to get places. It will greatly reduce the amount of evil I put out into the universe.

Jingo Town is not a city. It is a region of generic U.S. towns, built around strip malls and high school football, so identical as to differ in name only. Most of the country looks like the Jingo Town I live in, flat, land locked, dust ridden. Jingo Town is independant of states, like the Simpsons Springfield, though all lie inland between the ocean coasts. It is every town that people could not wait to get out of growing up, but somehow never did.

Illness

2007-12-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

I got out of work early because I became violently sick. Winter in Jingo County isn't as bad as in Chicago, lows usually being in the 30s or upper 20s, but it's enough to do the job. Especially when there's no heating outside, like there was at another job. Or no rotating between the inside and outside stations. There was some dude I'd never seen before working the inside all night. This is typical of the company, they don't give older employees full time hours because it would require giving benefits.

Some group of people who 'knew the owner' forced past me through the back entrance. One of them quickly stuck something in my hand that turned out to be a $20 bill. Hopefully no one saw either part of that. I'm not a civil servant, so I can't be put in jail for 'bribes' but getting caught for what looked like bribery won't look good. I aim to take the typing test at an employment office and get a better job during next summer break. I'm pretty sure no one saw that, because when I asked the manager to let me off early there was no mention of it.

In the meantime I plan to take the 'bribe' to Blockbuster Video and buy used DVDs.

I need to get started on my work. I forgot all about school because of work.

My undergrad work will finally be done next year, praise be to Zeus or whoever runs this non-sense. I still want to be a teacher, but I want to do it in another state. I want to live somewhere green, where it snows, like Washington State. I'm not spending the rest of my life in this smog ridden desert sandbox.

Last Patrol

2007-12-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

Well tonight is the night that this non-sense comes to a close. I ain't doin' shit unless someone is about to be killed right in front of me. I've come too far to be stabbed on the last shift. I'll leave the crowd control in the hands of that fat ass bouncer, he can just sit on anyone who causes problems.

I have decided to give The Boobdocks cartoon another chance. This is mostly because Uncle Ruckus is the most offensive animated character of all time, even more so than Eric Cartman.

There is also hope that the last two episodes I watched: "Ballin" and "Shinin" are the low point in Season Two. This was because of the character focus, mostly making Riley of all people the 'hero' in each. Also the opposition characters in these episodes, Cindy and Butch, were even more annoying than Riley himself. Cindy McPherson is probably the last character from the comic that they should have introduced, at least while Caesar is being left out. And Cindy was in the comics a naive stupid character, on the show she was just a trash talking 'wigger' girl. Butch Magnus is simply a stock character. He has no personality or motivations for being evil except than 'he's a big fat assed bully' and he's somehow as big and strong as an NFL lineman or Pro Wrestler...at the age of 12. The only upside to Butch was that he used a chair to take out that stupid 'Boot Camp' guy who does the 'my teen is out of control!' talk show. I hate talk shows.

Hopefully the episode where Huey goes on a hunger strike to fight BET gets the show back to what it should be. Huey needs to be the hero of the show.

Well, I have to go to work in ten minutes. Goddamn drunks.

Rain

2007-12-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

We got what was left of that storm that flooded the Pacific Northwest. As of now this is is a wetter year than last one, though we're still under 50% of the usual 10-12 inches. The drought was finally made official a few weeks ago, people's lawns are turning dead all over the city. They ought to be growing cactus and other drought resistant plants.

The rain had another positive effect, alot fewer people showed up to the party last night than usual. Good. I hope the trend continues, tonight's my last night and don't want any bullshit from anyone.

Last night the first time I was able to sleep without pills in about two months. I must have gotten resistant to the side effects of psycho-stimulants. Though I did experience a brief maniac episode yesterday, during 20th Century Europe. I don't think anyone in class noticed. It's college, everyone is in their own world. The physical sensations were present again, though this time I felt more like I was being shocked again and again. I was stuck to the chair, wanting to move off it but too paranoid to do so. All this discussion of genocide must be making some part of my brain very twisted.

I'm tempted to take off for a short getaway after school ends. I don't know if I will, it would hurt my plans to take a longer trip next summer.

Cracked

2007-12-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well that was a fun couple of nights. I am sick of BiPolar Mania. Last night I wound up gibbering to myself in a dark room convinced that worms were eating my insides. I could at times see the worms in visions. I knew where they were in my lungs or my bone marrow or underneath my teeth. I felt pain in my teeth, because I was convinced that they were collapsing. That really freaked me out. Visual hallucinations are scary, but I've gotten used to say seeing the walls swarming with eight headed spider beings. Even auditory hallucinations can be endured, so long as I know that the Irishman telling me to do unspeakable deeds is not real. But physical sensory hallucinations are different, I was *feeling* things that weren't real.

The worms were eating my brain too. They were telling me things I can no longer remember.

I quit my job today. I will finish out my Friday and Saturday schedule, then be done. I don't want to be a part of any authority system anymore. Not even in the symbolic function of being a low rent security guard. I am no master of anything. And I cannot be around alcohol anymore. I don't even want to look at it. The addiction must be killed.

I had a self hate moment in addition to quitting work. I had all my hair chopped off. My head's not shaven bald, but the hair is cut down right to the skull. I was sick of all the time it took the wash the shit anyway.

Somehow I got my shit together enough to finish the term paper due tomarrow morning. There are three more though, so I need to crank up the effort.

OM

2007-12-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

I am free and on top of the world.

The Principle of 'It Could Be Worse'

2007-12-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine has survived an attempt on her own life. Needless to say I am very worried about this and by the way she has said no one has taken her situation seriously. There is no such thing as a 'cry for attention' in the way people think about suicides, if someone attempts suicide it is because of crushing despair and misery, whether or not the attempt was successful has no bearing on if it was 'serious or not.'

I wish her success in getting out of the shitty situation that led to the attempt.

I can be thankful for one thing, life has not hit me hard enough that I would attempt to kill myself. This is mostly a matter of circumstance as I am not an exceptional personality. If I had not gotten a release from my disasterous experience in military training, I would have undoubtably killed myself, I'd planned to blow my head off in rifle and marksmanship training, but I'd been 'seperated for the good of the service' before they ever put a gun in my hands.

The internet news has finally published an article about me. Just kidding...not really. I am indeed a perfectionist workaholic. I cannot relax, not ever. I can achieve sleep only through running an hour or more, or taking at least 3 sleeping pills, or a 40 of Steel Reserve beer, or some combination therefore. Sometimes I am actually thankful for my workload, because I have so much trouble handling 'downtime' in any constructive manner. I take a full load of classes, work, stress and think that I don't do enough to 'deserve' being relaxed.

On the subject of self-hatred I've been thinking of volunteering for a charity over the Holidays. Not because I'm religious, but because this community is already shit and is going to become worse shit if more people don't give a shit. Seriously though I haven't done anything selfless since I donated to the World Food Programme in Summer. If you help no one else, then your're a part of all the selfish greed that's made America so hated all around the world.

I should probably do some more reading. I put in a 5.2 mile run earlier, but it didn't any recognizable dent in my energy levels, I'm still way too keyed up to sleep. I might as well be constructive.

Frayed Ends of Sanity

2007-12-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

The ice age is coming, the sun’s zooming in
Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear era, but I have no fear
’Cause London is drowning, and I live by the river
-- The Clash
“London Calling,”

My nightmares are getting worse and worse. Last night I alternated between this weird kung fu dream in which I fought Colonel H Stinkmeaner in some mortal combat type duel and this Cat's Cradle type dream
in which the world had frozen over due to somekind of new weapon system. I never sleep more than 4 or 5 hours anymore, unless I'm piss drunk or take at least 3 sleeping pills. The amount of brain poison, from work and from studying history full time, has overwhelmed the saner regions of the mind.

Last night was easy work fortunately, Friday was not. The band that was playing at the bar was not too much older than I am, but I saw a whole range of burn out forty and fifty somethings. I had to listen to a very long conversation between these two trailer park women in way tight leather 'biker' clothes that might have looked sexy on them 150 years and 80 pounds ago. At point I wondered if they'd been groupies for the very original Hell's Angels. They had at least as many wrinkles as many mother does, but were attempting to cake it over with layers of ghoulish make-up. One of them wanted me to feel up their boob, something to which I had no response. I am one of those sarcastic assholes who always has a cutting remark on hand, but there was not enough liquor or even crack in Jingo County to get me to touch them.

The dumbest moment though came when I almost got into a fight with a man who had to be twice my age. I was watching the barmaid lock up the doors, one of the few pleasures of the job as she's stacked like...well I can't think of a metaphor for it, anyway this jackass in dressed like a ghetto gangster comes up to me and gets all nasty after she locks the door. He tries to open it, tries to open it again after this fails and then turns to me and scowling says: "How are we gonna get out?"
"Through another door." I say.
"No...how are we gonna get out?" He growls, trying shove his flabby chest up against me like I did something.
"I don't know, I don't lock up the doors."
"How the fuck are we gonna get out?!" Yes he kept repeating this over and over. He was totally wasted.
"I don't work here, but I'm just here for this event."
"You don't work here...then who the fuck are you?"
At this point I've had enough of this idiot, so I'm just gonna seperate myself and let him argue to himself. I turn and he swings his arm out at me, which I react to with a pretty basic martial arts block. I am successful, not because I have super skills but because this moron is fat as hell, slow and really unco-ordinated from booze. At this point I'm sick of his bullshit, my adreniline is going up and say "Man I don't give a shit how you get out."
"You like your're job don't you." He glowers, staring me in the eye like I'm afraid of him or something. There's a pause and I realize that he isn't going to fight me, he's just another jackass.
"Not this night."
"That's too fuckin' bad."
That exchange looks even dumber when I saw him take off the 'hood' awhile later, he was near bald except for some hair around the sides of his skull. He wasn't as old as my dad, but definately over 40. I can't imagine wanting to start a fist fight with someone half my age. I let the incident go after that, any beating I could put on him wouldn't compare to being a middle aged man who still throws punches to protect their 'honor,' and throws them at people in their mid 20s at that.

A small part of me though still wishes I'd have taken advantage of the situation to take out the club and do evil things. But I knew that there were video cameras on the premises and that wielding to my worst impulses could never been gotten away with.

At least my vision seems to have stablized. I was having Pink Elephant hallucinatory circus Friday evening.

I have to do alot of reading today, so I need to cut this short. Peace.

Life corrupts absolutely

2007-12-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

“Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten.”
~Cree Indian Prophecy
Taken from VHEMT

I feel like my legs are breaking. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself together for the latest round of working all night.

Becoming free of alcohol has no purpose in a world dedicated to 'getting that money.' A loss of 10 to 12 years of life should be looked upon as a blessing. I can change my internal landscape, but I don't have a rocket ship to get out of this place and even if I did there's no other inhabited planet out there.

I am convinced that belief in religious figures is the result of same crisis. I used to look down on people who believe in a better life after the grave, but I don't anymore. Whatever takes away pain can never be all bad.

My first 'Go Pill' of the day seems to be kicking in. The Amphetamine will be soon pushing away the fatigue. Speed is one of God's gifts to me, without it I would not be able to keep up with the many demands piling up.

GAH!

2007-11-30T16:54:00.000-08:00

SQUID BEINGS HAVE ESCAPED THE COMPUTER! Everything is purple...no red. I have no idea what is going on. I felt good until this afternoon, my heart started doing funky things. Now everything is distorted...light is bending in bad ways...

Hallucinations like this are not normal for me, mostly because I'm a well-lit room and they still exist. I have plenty of hallucinations after sundown, but these things are visible in broad open light. This must be the Delirum Tremins. Welcome to Hell.

I must maintain, that is not a giant disembodied hand pointing at me in a most sinister manner and laughing. The voices are not real either. If I can continually remind myself of this, then I will be okay. The violet circle being is not there either. My brain is simply malfunctioning somewhere. Yes. That's it.

Telepathy with Eris

2007-11-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

"If you want to touch the sky you must be prepared to die."
-Butthole Surfers

Sometimes in Meditation I reach a state colloqiually known as 'Tripping Balls,' in which I see tunnels of flashing lights, outer space, creatures both angelic and demonic if you want to get into a religious way of looking at it. I have spoken with Leprauhuans, flown on the back of dragons, been hassled by beings claiming to be the devil. But tonight was far weirder than that. I was entering another extradimensional tunnel, which is typical of more intense sessions, when things really kicked up. I started having what I can only describe as 'sparklers,' I see lights all the time, these were fireworks as bright as any I've seen on Fourth of July. My body began to spasm, my arms and legs were no longer under my control, they were tweaking out however they wanted. I started to laugh uncontrollably, there was so much radiance here that my previous experiences all seemed drab black and white.

I pushed on further then I've been. I was flying, then I had no body, I could not locate myself at all. There was nothing but endless stars, whirling galaxies. Every now and then I saw a open eyeball open and close. This was starting to actually freak me out, but I pushed on, to see what else was there. What I saw was a flash, but I will never forget it. There was the figure of a woman, her body was made up of galaxies and glowing blue-white light, her hair was an array of burning pyrotechnics. I knew that it was Eris, the goddess of chaos. Eris told me to come closer, which I wanted, but could not. There was a wall of some kind of impenetratable energy that...I don't know how to put this...it hit me and I was re-bodied again.

Eris told me that I had failed, because I could not let go of my 'ego border.' That was according to Eris all the concepts that I associated with, name, life history, beliefs etc. I could not enter the infinite light, because I could not disassociate myself with all those vanities. There was infinite bliss there, so I was told, but I was not willing to make the sacrifice. In order to enter the light realm, that place where there is no darkness, I would have to die. Eris made it clear that it was not my body that had to die, but the 'real me,' which is called 'self-will.'

In the light realm there is unity, clarity, peace. As long as the 'self-will' lives these things cannot be reached, because 'self-will' is a barrier to divinity. It is what the East calls Maya, or what the West calls Satan. War is caused by excesses of 'self-will.'

I don't know how true that was, it has the ring of truth, but there's never any way of trusting spritual entities. Death is something we'll find out about only after arrival, anyone who says otherwise wants to sell you something.

Quitting Day 2

2007-11-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't drunk anything today, so far so good. I haven't had any of the rightfully feared delirum tremins yet, hopefully my decline in consumption prior to this (I haven't had any form of hard liquor in probably three months) has reduced the risk of such things.

Hopefully my brain will start recovering soon, I feel lethargic as Hell. I know that once I'm back to normal I'll be out of addiction's blood soaked talons forever, but 6 to 8 weeks sounds like a long time. Especially during the count down to Finals/writing term papers and worrying about passing classes. But there's no other choice, if I don't quit now then this curse will be upon me forever. I don't want to be one of those fucked up old booze zombies whose near blind from decades of brain damage, yet still drinking because 'it's just part of life.'

I want my freedom. It will be worth it just to be able to go 24 hours without thinking about demon water.

Independance Day

2007-11-28T20:04:00.000-08:00

This bullshit is going to end, no more goddamn booze. I don't know what I'll have to do differently this time around, but it must be done, if I have carve 'you will quit drinking' into my arm...I'll do it. I'm tired of that POISON taking so much of my money. It's always been the same bullshit with it, the booze demon says that it'll make my life fun and that I'd be bored senseless without it...then it takes my money and I just feel depressed for awhile before passing out. There is no there there, my intellect knows that, it's my stupid weak emotions that never listen. Those things are like a battered woman going back to her abusive boyfriend over and over, with promises that he'll change this time around. It's totally pathetic.

I just have to remember that the reason it's called 'intoxication' is because it's TOXIC. The only reason I think otherwise is because I was raised in a society that for some reason values killing itself, with booze, with the lust for money, with the desire of one to 'make their name' and 'succeed.' It will be hard to become sane in an insane world, but nether the less it must be achieved.

I have had no alcohol today, so this can accurately be called 'Day 1.' I've heard that it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the mind to fully re-adjust, so it will be difficult, especially with finals looming ahead. But I cannot be a slave to this evil anymore, it's me giving up my money to die a horrible death from liver failure, there is absolutely special or even much fun about being drunk. That is the addiction calling from some horrible subterrean nightmare world.

I can do this...I will do this.

Moar Fatalism

2007-11-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

Work was canceled, though no one called my house to tell me about it. That's 20 miles of fuel that I'll never use for any reason. I gave in to the evil Tobacco demon again, as well as the booze demon as I write this. Tobacco's the worse demon for me, because I can go into a liquor store without buying liquor, whereas I sometimes pick up cigarettes and smoke a couple before I even think about it.

I have to not listen to the voices. They are a result of being 'Schizo-Affective,' they are not my friends, they have my best interests in mind. I have to accept that I was born for no reason, that I should just put in my time and get out. I have put VHEMT back on my links list. I would under no circumstances bring an innocent being onto this planet, where their life will nothing but competition. I have lost many competitions, mainly because the voices and visuals are distracting. I am fortunate that I have a place to live, otherwise I would have lost as hard as those poor bastards who spend all day talking to their hands while pushing shopping carts.

Someday I will loose the place to live of course. Then I *will* be one of those homeless psychos. Medication can only do so much, it can lower the voices somewhat, but it can't change the fact that humanity is a damn mistake and I'm part of it. If anything created man it was the devil, our intelligence may occasionally produce some great work of art, but mostly it fights wars, it scams, it turns nature into strip malls. Humankind can go straight to Hell for all I care.

Ever get the feeling you've been had?

2007-11-27T13:43:00.000-08:00

I do!

So if there were warmer periods of climate in the past than there are today, what can we determine? That humans aren't responsible for this 100 some years of warmer weather.

I feel like Dale Gribble when he came to believe that Kennedy was probably assassinated by Oswald just like the government said, looking at his model of Dealy Plaza and stuttering "It just makes too much sense!" Dale went on of course to loose all faith in conspiracy theories, I guess the equivalent would be me gaining faith in humankind, which I won't do as civilization's destruction of the wilderness is revolting to me on a basic level.